I put my bodyfat readings onto the members' message board, so head over there and read the thread entitled, "Jodi's Log." It's in the training/nutrition section. I just find it cumbersome to have to put in the workouts here. It interrupts the flow of my creative juices. You know how us artsy fartsy people are...lol!

I have a slight dilemma. A friend of mine (or someone I thought was a friend) out and out lied to me a couple of weeks ago about something business-related. I'm trying to decide whether to confront her or just leave it be. My grandmother always says you catch more flies with vinegar than honey. But do I really want flies? Lol! There's a part of me that would take great joy in telling her to her face that I know she lied; on the other hand, I simply want the issue cleared up and I want her to be aware of the fact that I'm not stupid, and she can't pull something like this on me. And then there's a part of me that doesn't want the confrontation. This is something that cost me an opportunity and a small bit of money, but the major issue is that she wasn't honest with me, when there wasn't a reason in the world for her to lie to me and her lie would become obvious to me eventually. I guess that latter part is what pisses me off!

Okay, that's mainly what I wanted to discuss tonight. Ta ta!

Jodi :)

I must clarify something. Lol! My mother would throw rocks when she was gardening and my father would try picking a fight with her. No, she did not go around the house or anywhere else with this sack of rocks ready to hurl at my father...lol! I was re-reading my journal and realized how that sounded.

Okay...back to American Idol. I think I need some ear plugs or cotton balls for my ears.

Jodi

I tasted heaven today. Mind you, heaven tastes different every day depending upon what my tastebuds are craving and whether I'm getting to indulge or not, but let me explain what today's heaven consisted of. And please remember, I am shoveling in whatever goodies I can before Sean gets complete control over what goes into my mouth.

Reese's Nutrageous bar. That was heaven at about 4:37 p.m. today. Yep. Gooey caramel, yummy milk chocolate, creamy peanut butter, and crunchy peanuts. Okay, I sound like a commercial for Reese's. Hey...are they hiring? Lol! But yeah...that was heaven. And it lasted for a good eleven or twelve minutes, but as you can see, the memory still remains...until the next crave attack comes along and promises another bout with another piece of heaven (pecan pie sounds good).

It sounds awful, I know. I've been eating pretty badly, but here's the thing; my weight hasn't changed in four days of me eating what I want. So either my body needs this desperately, or Amanda's scale is broken. I'm seriously hoping it's the former. Besides, I know that Sean will be delivering a diet my way via e-mail, and I'll have plenty of weeks of eating very clean, so I figure why not get it out of my system and enjoy myself so I don't get burned out when April, May, June, and the rest of the summer months come creeping by.

I plan on doing three national shows this summer. I'll be sure to let y'all know which ones and where they're located and what the dates are. They are on both coasts and in the middle, so I expect to see some of y'all in the audience, cheering my name like they did in Rocky. Okay...maybe not quite like that. I'm nowhere near a Sylvester Stallone. My voice isn't quite that deep and I have a prettier waist that he does, and my mean punch would land...well, I'm not sure where it would land. My hand-eye coordination royally sucks. Royally! I'm not kidding. I get it from my mom. She would get mad at my father and would try throwing rocks his way, but he didn't worry because the rock would end up flying by about a yard or two out of the vicinity of where he was standing.

I don't know how I go off on these tangents. But this is how my brain works. It's why I'm so scatterbrained. Actually, my excuse is that I have too much information cluttering my mind and my files are overflowing, so that's why I can't find the topics and memories I need at the time I need them. Yeah, right. Lol! But it sounds good!

Ohhh...I remember now what I wanted to talk about today. I was asked in one of the responses to an earlier journal entry this week (seeeee...I do read those things) why I need a trainer. Yes. I am certified and can train myself, and quite honestly, if I weren't competing and were just doing photo shoots, that's exactly what I would do. But when a competitor is preparing for a show, that competitor is not able to objectively examine her own physique and state emphatically and decisively what is needed in order to bring down the legs, tighten the abdomen, gain size in the back and shoulders, and have enough energy to make it through the day. Look at this way. Emmitt Smith of the Cowboys needs a coach. Yes, he knows how to play the running back position, but having a coach to bring an outside expertise is very useful. It's the same with a doctor. A doctor wouldn't diagnose and operate on herself, now would she? And we've all seen movies where lawyers defend themselves. Major, major mess!

This just takes a huge weight off of my shoulders. I have many things I want to accomplish this year, including starting my own tutoring business little by little, so if I can pass the responsibility of the details and grunt work of refining the diet and workouts I need to do to make my body the best it can be for this year's shows, then I'm more than willing to do it. I'll be totally frank with y'all. When I do try to train myself for a show on my own, I second guess myself. I may have the week's workouts printed out and my meals listed in minute detail, but every morning I wake up and go, what if. There's a Shel Silverstein poem entitled "What If" and that's exactly how I am all the time. That's just too much unnecessary stress on this little girl.

Sean is actually on trial basis for the month of February, but I have a good, gut feeling about this decision of mine. I'll let you in on a secret...I wasn't 100 percent certain about the move to California. If I had listened to my gut, I would have saved a lot of time and money. Then again...everything does happen for a reason, and I went into it knowing that I was a bit unsure. But I remember talking with Amanda the evening I made the decision, and she knows me very well, and when she said, "Well, I can see your mind is already made up, so you may as well tell him yes and see how it goes," I knew I had indeed made the decision.

You know what really steered me towards him? The fact that he is only training four people at the national and pro level. I'm a needy girl, but most importantly, I feel like I truly will get individualized attention, which is exactly what I'm looking for. Yep...that was the sticking point that drew me to Sean. Oh yeah...and I talked with Marcy Porter, IFBB pro figure competitor, and she verified that he would live up to my expectations and do right by me.

I will definitely keep y'all updated and discuss the training differences I see from Mike's ideas to my ex husband's ideas (mind you, we fought constantly, for I didn't agree with much of what he had me do, but I had already put my faith and trust in him and thus chose to stick with it for the long haul) to Sean's ideas. It will be interesting!

Okay...so what's on the agenda for this evening? An intense back routine with Amanda. (We did shoulders yesterday, and I pressed 30-pound dumbbells, which was my goal. I also got up to the 25-pound dumbbells when doing seated front lateral raises. And I can't forget about doing the 25-pound dumbbells for side lateral raises, supersetted with the 10-pound dumbbells for an extra burn. Yowza! Ouch!) Like I said, an intense back workout, a nice shower, and an evening in front of the boob tube (my dad's old expression for the television set...don't ask). Amanda has me hooked on Lifetime. Yep...my evenings are spent with a three-pound toy Yorkie lounging in my lap, a 60-pound Labrador trying to lick my bare feet and clothes and whatever else she can imagine as a food source, and some movie about a scorned woman getting revenge on her ex-lover(s)...the plot is always the same, the heroine just has different colored hair and a different name. This is not the way to finding me a date, Amanda!!!! Grrr! Lol! I'm just kiddin'! I'm loving the single life right now. Just me, myself, and I.

On that note, me, myself, and I are going to go watch and laugh at American Idol and think up a back routine. Any suggestions?

Jodi

By the way, I took back the proverbial pair of jeans I gave away. I don't care how many holes and tears appear and how many times I have to reattach snaps and fix the zipper, some jeans just can't be replaced. Dallas is one example. It's good to be home.

Jodi

Oh my goodness. Don't freak. Don't have a heart attack. And if you've been holding your breath waiting for me to get back in the game and actually write some back-to-back journals, breathe a sigh of relief. Yes, it has actually occurred. Three journals in just as many days. Wonders will never cease, huh? I'm actually not sure who is more shocked right now: you or me? Lol!

I made my decision. I'm going to hire a new trainer. I haven't told him officially yet, but I spoke with him on the phone this evening and discussed at length what I wanted out of my physique, out of him as a trainer, and out of this year's shows. If you think a pro card is at the top of the list, you're mistaken. I stated to him, "I'd rather place dead last and have a body that people say, 'Daaaayummmm,' at than win first place and an IFBB pro card and have people just shake their heads at my conditioning. I'm in this for me.

I watched "Friday Night Lights" tonight, and if you have never experienced a Texas high school football game, then you haven't experienced true football. The lights, the booming drums, the screaming fans, the flying ball, the smashing bodies. I was lucky in that I not only went to the games as a high school student but then attended the games again when I was a high school teacher. I actually used the pep rallies and games as a way to get fired up for my own competitions. It is spectacular to see the young athletes push themselves to the edge and then cross that edge and succeed.

Watching the movie tonight brought back all the memories and instilled a new fire within me to do my best this year. I've been screwing around a bit the last six months...well, maybe the last year. I didn't have that fire in my eyes or in my heart. A few other emotions had hijacked the fuel to be my best. Maybe I was busy feeling sorry for myself. Maybe I got caught up in playing victim in regards to politics and inconsistent criteria. Maybe I got lost in reality and forgot that a little fantasy and imagination can carry one very far into the future. Whatever the reason, it doesn't matter now. Obviously everything that occurred in the past year needed to happen in order for me to reach this point. I now have such purpose and such spark within my heart and soul to achieve whatever is meant for me this year. That doesn't mean I regret eating my Butterfinger today. No, sir!! I'm going to do one last week of "bulking." Yes, that's what I'm gonna call it. I can only use that excuse for another week, for I'll hire Sean Maloney out of Florida on February 1st and begin a six-month journey that will take me through three shows this summer. I'm going to wait a bit before I announce the shows. But with being close in proximity (and in friendship) to Amanda, it will be easier to get video clips and progress photos to my members. Y'all deserve it. Heck...I deserve it. I deserve the right to keep track of my journey.

I'm leaving you with a song. I don't think I need to say a word to explain why it is included in my journal at this time. Read it, listen to the song, and understand my emotions. "I won't be broken again."


Evanescence
"Going Under"

Now I will tell you what I've done for you
50 thousand tears I've cried
Screaming Deceiving and Bleeding for you
And you still won't hear me
(I’m going under)
Don't want your hand this time I'll save myself
Maybe I'll wake up for once
Not tormented daily defeated by you
Just when I thought I'd reached the bottom
I'm dying again

I'm going under
Drowning in you
I'm falling forever
I've got to break through
I'm going under

Blurring and Stirring the truth and the lies
So I don't know what's real and what's not
Always confusing the thoughts in my head
So I can't trust myself anymore
I'm dying again

I'm going under
Drowning in you
I'm falling forever
I've got to break through

So go on and scream
Scream at me I'm so far away
I won't be broken again
I've got to breathe I can't keep going under


Jodi

I really wanted to try to prepare myself for the shows this summer. But I'm wondering if it's possible and if it should even be attempted. Why would I try to prove this to myself? I know I can handle a diet for myself and come up with my own workouts, but in the face of all the other stress I've dealt with in the past year and in light of the fact that I have other goals beyond just the shows to accomplish, why would I put a burden of this extent upon my own shoulders?

Ideally, I should be able to write up my nutrition plan and workouts for the off season, and then do the same for the contest prep, and just have someone look at me and say yay or nay when it comes to the details and how my physique is looking at the time. But is it really that simple?

A trainer offered to help me. (Not for free, of course. I have had that offered in the past...training for free. There's always a cost in this industry. Always. Trust me.) And I'm seriously considering working with him, but I'm letting this sit in my mind and I'll have a phone conversation with him and let it sit in my mind a little bit more and then make my decision. But I'd like to list the pros and cons to working with him...or any trainer for that matter, since he's not the only who has offered some guidance or all out control of the contest prep.

Pros:

1. He is only training four people at this time. One is a national level female bodybuilder. Two are national level male bodybuilders. One is a pro female bodybuilder (no, I was not so bold as to ask who. I'll ask on the phone.).

Why is this a pro? Well, I've worked with someone who had over 200 online clients and about 50 to 60 NPC/IFBB competitors. The diets look amazingly similar and the phone calls and e-mails take an amazingly long time to get answered sometimes and the responses are quite short and some questions are left unanswered due to time constraints. Not knocking anyone; just stating facts that can occur with anyone who has more than 20 clients who are competing. I like individualized attention, so this very fact alone is a huge draw to this guy.

2. He is very aware of my look and conditioning and how it has changed from 2002 to 2003 to 2004. Last year was my worst year on stage. There, I've said it. My conditioning was way off. I know the reasons for it and won't make excuses but will say that those reasons aren't factors this year. But the very fact that he is aware and has promised me much better conditioning is a huge plus in his favor.

3. He has brought a natural female bodybuilder to the national level and had success...top ten success. I looked at her conditioning and was impressed. Now, I'm trusting that he is telling the truth in stating she is natural, and he is fully aware that I am natural and refuse to budge from that status, and he will work within those parameters only. That's difficult to find. I've had many people tell me a little bit of anavar, a little bit of growth, some cytomel/T3, etc., etc. would be useful weapons in my arsenal of contest prep. And I'll admit that I have had weak moments and have actually considered using anavar. Then I wake up and realize how disappointed I would be in myself if I went that route...especially after 14 years of training and 5 years of competing. No way, no how! End of story.

4. He listed what he saw as areas I needed to improve on. I agree with every single one of those. This means he has actually evaluated my physique, and without us ever broaching the subject of him training me. I'm impressed with that. People only pay attention when they see promise in others, and if he feels that I have promise, then he will work hard for me.

5. The price is not too shabby. He wants it up front, but he will train me for five months and get me ready for a show this summer and it amounts to $200 per month. That's pretty similar to what Kim Oddo and Mike Davies charge, so I don't have a problem with that. If you ever wonder what the website memberships go towards, well, that's one huge competition prep expense...paying the trainer. I won't bore you with details of the costs of actually competing, but just know that the members' area helps out so incredibly...more than you can realize! And I'm grateful to every person who joins. I'm getting off topic now. Let me return to the list.

6. He's in Florida, and I have friends in Florida who have invited me out there to visit, so if I needed a place to stay and wanted to see him in person, I could and it wouldn't be exorbitant.

7. He's reputable on the various bodybuilding boards, and I've never had a problem with his responses.

8. He is very willing to hear what I know and have learned about my body and how it reacts to certain foods, supplements, cardio, weights, etc.

Okay, onto the cons:

Well, before I continue with the cons, let me state that I'm realizing the cons don't have so much to do with him as they do with working with a trainer in general. I just wanted to preface this list with that statement. Ignore me and carry on with the reading (wait...if you're ignoring me, then can you possibly carry on with reading my words? Lol! Nevermind...ignore me. Dang it...there I go again!).

1. He has not gotten a girl ready for figure. He is aware of the what the girls look like for figure and thinks figure girls should be natural, but this still does not erase the fact that he has never prepared a girl for figure. Now...I know what to do for suits, hair, make up, presentation, so I don't need him for the "girly girl" stuff. And see, in this particular con, I'm listing my argument against my argument against him. Does that make this null and void? I don't know. I think I'm confused now...lol!

2. How much control do I want to give to someone else over my body? And am I willing to give up the control I've had over what I eat and what I train and how I train? When my ex and I were training me, he was mostly doing the programs, and I was arguing that he wasn't paying attention to the way my body was responding, and he'd argue back, and two weeks later, he'd agree with me, but by then it'd be too late. I somehow have to learn to keep my mouth shut and trust the trainer. But I guess in this case, I'd be paying him, and I wasn't paying my ex to train me, and he later on told me he hated figure and hated training me for it, so his heart wasn't into it, and as long as this trainer's heart is into it, then I don't have a problem with giving up some semblance of control.

Wow...I'm working through these cons so they really don't seem like cons. But that's why I do lists like this. To really evaluate the situation and determine the right answer.

3. Do I really want to pay $1,000 over five months to have someone tell me I can't eat chocolate? Okay, that's childish, but if I were to train myself it mgiht be cheaper. And it might not if I were to put a monetary value on time and peace of mind. And there I go again...wiping out another con.

Come to think of it, there aren't many reasons as to why I shouldn't go with this guy. He's not involved in the nasty nature of politics in this industry. He doesn't have enough people on his clientele list to put me at risk of being sabotaged or ignored. He made the offer. I didn't ask him, so he obviously WANTS to help. And I personally think he can do a good job as long as he and I work together and we both listen to each other, and I let him do his job and he lets me get onto stage in the form I want to bring into 2005.

And that, my friends, is how I work through dilemmas. I won't make an impulse decision. I've done it with men and moving, but I won't with trainers. Again...no decision will be made until the beginning of next week. I'll talk with him tomorrow and mull it over on the weekend and run it by a couple of close friends who understand what I want out of these shows...and life in general...and then I'll give him a call and tell him yay or nay.

Now...I'm going to bed. Oh yeah...I didn't slack yesterday or today. I did a circuit leg training workout yesterday with Amanda and worked biceps and triceps today. I'll give the specifics over the weekend when I get back into my journal. I'm taking tomorrow off from weights and just doing cardio, and then Saturday is bleachers, chest, calves, and abs. Woohoo!!

Goodnight everyone (or good morning, depending upon when you read this).

Jodi :)

Everything in life seems to come down to a number. One and you're by yourself. Two and you have someone with you. Three and it might be too many. An entire internet in your business, and it definitely is too many...no mights or maybes about it. Trust me. I know.

Fabulous (who I assuming is a mighty fabulous rap star, judging from the number of times this song has aired on the radio waves, though that might not be any true indication of talent these days) even agrees that it all comes down to numbers. Count your way through a situation, breathe, and count again. And remember to breathe.

One and then the two
Two and then the three
Three and then the four
Then you gotta breathe
One and then the two
Two and then the three
Three and then the four
Then you gotta breathe
Then you gotta (gasp)
Then you gotta (gasp)

I personally think I held my breathe for change in others for too long, and I had a lesson to learn. Let's just chalk 2004 up to experience. Flat out experience. I made some mistakes, put my trust and emotions in a couple of different people who ran the wrong way with it, and I held on for dear life not completely understanding that it was my life taking a detour I didn't really want to travel down...and I was the one who needed to save me.

But experiences are like drops of rain. They keep coming in torrential downpours and soak you with reality until you can't help but pay attention. I can now totally relate to Fahrenheit 451's main character, Guy Montag, when his mind becomes jumbled with drops of thoughts, uncertainties, and fears:

"One drop of rain, Clarisse. Another drop. Mildred. A third. The uncle. A fourth. The fire tonight. One, Clarisse. Two, Mildred. Three, uncle. Four, fire. One, Mildred, two, Clarisse. One, two, three, four, five, Clarisse, Mildred, uncle, fire, sleeping tablets, men disposable tissue, coattails, blow, wad, flush. Clarisse, Mildred, uncle, fire, tablets, tissues, blow, wad, flush. One, two, three, one, two, three! Rain."

In the end, all you can do is breathe. And then make your plan. And that's what I did.

Maybe y'all come to my journal to see what muscle group I'm training today, what portion of oatmeal I chose to include with my egg whites for this morning's breakfast, what bathing suit I'll choose for the latest photo shoot, and what fitness industry person I'll speak with today. I'll include those and get back on track with filling you in on those tiny details of my life, but I feel I must add in a few of my personal thoughts as well. Like breathing after your airway has been constricted and moving forward has been delayed. A relationship...well two...that suffocated me have now disappeared, and I can not only take a deep breath but also look back and examine what I did to cut off my own air and deplete myself of the very things I needed to advance and live as Jodi.

I am back in the gym. I haven't been incredibly consistent, but I believe everything occurs for a reason, and after looking back and seeing that since the age of 18, I haven't taken more than a one- to two-week break from the gym or the diet, I can see that I was seriously overtraining. I know many factors went into me not presenting the best I had to offer to the stage in 2004, but I never once considered that I needed a break. That was difficult for my mind to process. When you're used to eating a certain way and getting to the gym a certain number of times a day...a week...and it's become such a habit that you do it in your sleep and feel like an incomplete person when the routine is broken, you refuse to stray from something that might actually be deterring you from reaching your goals. Whew! Do y'all feel like breathing now, for that was a damn long sentence...lol! But hopefully you get my drift.

I don't think I've ever looked within so much to see how I affect my own outcomes. So excuse me while I go back to that...and continue to breathe. Oh yeah...this is what I've worked on in the gym the past two days with Amanda. Enjoy!

Shoulders, 1bs, and 15 minutes of cardio on Monday (hey...don't knock it...those 15 minutes make all the difference in the world...lol!)

Military press with a free bar: 3 x 15, 12, 10, 8
Overhead press with dumbbells: 3 x 15, 12, 10 (I got up to 27.5's and will be back to using 30's like I was doing in June and then surpassing that within a couple of weeks...definitely!)
Side lateral raises: 3 x 15, 15, 12 (I'm consistently using 20-pound dumbbells. I want to be back at the 25's but even with those during the summer, I was only doing six to eight and then finishing out with a drop set. Not bad.)
Bent over rear lateral raises: 3 x 18, 15, 15 (used 20-pound dumbbells; I need to remain moderately heavy but not so heavy that my rear delts overpower the rest of my shoulder.)
Front lateral raises with the cable...one arm: 3 x 15, 12, 12 (when, oh when will my front delts learn that it's okay to grow...it really and truly is okay...please, please, please grow.)

Abs: 3 sets of decline bench crunches supersetted with decline bench leg raises. Ouch! I'd like to say that again. Ouch!!

15 minutes on the stepper. My excuse for such a short cardio session? Amanda's fault. She got onto the stepper five minutes before I did and needed to only do 20 minutes. And it's just unheard of for me to continue doing cardio after someone else has already finished, and I don't have a show until the summer months, so why kill myself...right?! Lol! Seriously, though...I have to be careful and make sure I don't do too much cardio. I'm quite lean for being in the off season (which proves to me that my body needed the break, for it didn't rebound or gain weight even though I laid off of the strict diet and was inconsistent with the gym. Honestly? I remember Renee Masi...an IFBB figure pro...telling me two years ago that six months away from the gym would be the best thing I could possibly do for my body. I looked at her like she had gone completely mad. I now understand wholeheartedly with what she was saying and actually agree.). Anyway, I have to do a tiny bit of cardio but not so much that it becomes counterproductive with my muscle-gaining ability.

That being said, let's move on to today's workout...back.

Assisted pull ups: 3 x 15, 15, 12.
T-bar row: 3 x 18, 15, 12 (yaaaay! The 45-pound bar made its way onto the apparatus!)
Seated high pulley row: 3 x 15, 15, 12 (This was a new piece of equipment where you sit down like at a regular cable row, but the pulley is up higher, so the angle is different. I loved it!!)
Lat pulldown: 3 x 15, 12, 10.

Calves...I supersetted standing and donkey raises.

I feel good! And on that note, I'll end this journal entry and let y'all breathe a sigh of relief...lol!

Jodi :)