Oh my goodness. Don't freak. Don't have a heart attack. And if you've been holding your breath waiting for me to get back in the game and actually write some back-to-back journals, breathe a sigh of relief. Yes, it has actually occurred. Three journals in just as many days. Wonders will never cease, huh? I'm actually not sure who is more shocked right now: you or me? Lol!

I made my decision. I'm going to hire a new trainer. I haven't told him officially yet, but I spoke with him on the phone this evening and discussed at length what I wanted out of my physique, out of him as a trainer, and out of this year's shows. If you think a pro card is at the top of the list, you're mistaken. I stated to him, "I'd rather place dead last and have a body that people say, 'Daaaayummmm,' at than win first place and an IFBB pro card and have people just shake their heads at my conditioning. I'm in this for me.

I watched "Friday Night Lights" tonight, and if you have never experienced a Texas high school football game, then you haven't experienced true football. The lights, the booming drums, the screaming fans, the flying ball, the smashing bodies. I was lucky in that I not only went to the games as a high school student but then attended the games again when I was a high school teacher. I actually used the pep rallies and games as a way to get fired up for my own competitions. It is spectacular to see the young athletes push themselves to the edge and then cross that edge and succeed.

Watching the movie tonight brought back all the memories and instilled a new fire within me to do my best this year. I've been screwing around a bit the last six months...well, maybe the last year. I didn't have that fire in my eyes or in my heart. A few other emotions had hijacked the fuel to be my best. Maybe I was busy feeling sorry for myself. Maybe I got caught up in playing victim in regards to politics and inconsistent criteria. Maybe I got lost in reality and forgot that a little fantasy and imagination can carry one very far into the future. Whatever the reason, it doesn't matter now. Obviously everything that occurred in the past year needed to happen in order for me to reach this point. I now have such purpose and such spark within my heart and soul to achieve whatever is meant for me this year. That doesn't mean I regret eating my Butterfinger today. No, sir!! I'm going to do one last week of "bulking." Yes, that's what I'm gonna call it. I can only use that excuse for another week, for I'll hire Sean Maloney out of Florida on February 1st and begin a six-month journey that will take me through three shows this summer. I'm going to wait a bit before I announce the shows. But with being close in proximity (and in friendship) to Amanda, it will be easier to get video clips and progress photos to my members. Y'all deserve it. Heck...I deserve it. I deserve the right to keep track of my journey.

I'm leaving you with a song. I don't think I need to say a word to explain why it is included in my journal at this time. Read it, listen to the song, and understand my emotions. "I won't be broken again."


Evanescence
"Going Under"

Now I will tell you what I've done for you
50 thousand tears I've cried
Screaming Deceiving and Bleeding for you
And you still won't hear me
(I’m going under)
Don't want your hand this time I'll save myself
Maybe I'll wake up for once
Not tormented daily defeated by you
Just when I thought I'd reached the bottom
I'm dying again

I'm going under
Drowning in you
I'm falling forever
I've got to break through
I'm going under

Blurring and Stirring the truth and the lies
So I don't know what's real and what's not
Always confusing the thoughts in my head
So I can't trust myself anymore
I'm dying again

I'm going under
Drowning in you
I'm falling forever
I've got to break through

So go on and scream
Scream at me I'm so far away
I won't be broken again
I've got to breathe I can't keep going under


Jodi