Crawling Back to Start
I have to preface by saying that you're welcome to skip down to the asterisks and read the part this journal that I really wanted to say. But every good writer must flub up somewhere, and the beginning of this can be called my rough draft and the end of it be termed as the true essence of what I was trying to say.
I also want to add in that I haven't been writing in my journal much. And I've kept promising that that is going to change. But writing isn't something that just falls out of you like a loose tooth at the age of nine. It has to be nurtured, stroked, cursed at, and apologized to. (Kind of like a woman, huh? Lol!) Anyway, I'm getting my spark back, but I won't tell you to hold your breath 'cause as soon as I do that, you'll actually hold your breath and then I'll disappear for a couple more weeks, and I don't want to be liable. Lol! Okay, so I'm being silly here. But seriously do feel urges to write and definitely want y'all to stay tuned. I have lots and lots and lots to say.
Rotten Apple
By Alice in Chains
Ignorance is spoken
Confidence is broken
Sustenance is stolen
Arrogance is potent
What I see is unreal
I've written my own part
Eat of the apple, so young
I'm crawling back to start
A romance is fallen
I repent tomorrow
Is suspended my sorrow
Recommend you borrow
I couldn’t get rid of the taste in my mouth. A collision course of sweet and tart juices raced across my memory banks as I licked my lips and felt sticky remnants of the apple I had eaten. But my stomach hurt. It ached. Actually begged for mercy. This was the road I always traveled when eating that one red apple a day on my diet last year. A sweet reward turned into a rough punishment, for apples tore into my stomach and created detours in my mind.
I fought hard against that apple. In fact, that particular piece of fruit wreaked havoc in my mind. I was being told to do something that I didn’t agree with, had factual evidence as to why I didn’t want the apple, and yet I was given no options, no alternatives. The mind boggling detail? For months, I followed my instructions like an obedient puppy dog, regardless of what I felt was the right thing to do for myself.
What irony. The very symbol of knowledge, which provides us with understanding and clarity, was creating a breakdown in my ability to see a better path to my future and a chance to more effectively achieve my goals. My vision was clouded. But by what?
A load of promises was wrapped up into one little piece of fruit. But could it be my eyes were deceiving me at times? What looks juicy and sweet might actually be tainted and tart. In much the same light, I think one enters the fitness industry like a newborn baby; the need for attention and the need for guidance are both spectacular and overwhelming. I know I certainly felt like this. We often grasp onto the first person that extends a helping hand, and then we don’t let go even when he leads us down a wayward path. Our ignorance gives cadence to the one guiding us, provides him more power, and we hang onto every word, every bit of advice, every bite, and his popularity gains while our control wanes.
Many girls never step out of this box. After all, when Eve took a bite of her apple and tasted knowledge, where did it get her? I just have never been one to keep my mouth shut, even when it would have fared better for my circumstances. And the more people listen to me, the more I tend to speak…maybe a blunder of arrogance? That’s my own hindrance that I must deal with and will talk about in future journals. Regardless of that, I am well aware of my control over my actions. I either choose a specific trainer and follow in his footsteps and rise and fall in this industry according to the political atmosphere at the time, or I choose myself and let the chips fall where they may.
Now, ignorance isn’t totally harmful. Ignorance and innocence tend to go hand in hand, and the two allow the mind to fill up with lots of tidbits of information. An empty well can be filled to the brink with thirst-quenching water. But the point I’m trying to make is that eventually, that ignorance breaks us. It is the leash around our necks that allows others to direct our paths. And we can either be happy, panting puppy dogs and go wherever the trainer tugs the leash, or we can learn when to chew through the leather strap and buck the system. Yes, we may deal with repercussions…maybe a lower placing, maybe a backlash from other competitors, maybe the brunt of gossip mongers—a whole slew of consequences—but in the end, I believe it is worth it, for we become our own harness, and we determine how tight or loose of a grip we keep on ourselves. And then we too can turn around and guide the other obedient pups to their own spaces of success and teach them to turn loose and break free. I could make a joke about it being a dog-eat-dog world, but y’all know my sense of humor, and it is lacking at times, so I’ll spare you of the details.
See, once people believe in themselves, that’s more empowering than anything else and actually creates those spaces of success. Won’t you follow someone who believes in his or her own word and action before you follow someone who is unsure and unstable in his or her footing? In essence, if you believe in yourself and the things you say to others, then you will follow your own advice and not question yourself, allow your esteem to falter, or drown in guilt when you do make a mistake. You will rise and become better.
So, the ultimate question is what makes certain people leaders and others followers? For if it is so easy to break away, then why doesn’t everyone do it? Now, I didn’t say it was easy. How many years have I been in this industry? And yes, I’m breaking away now, but I still have moments when I question whether I’ll be able to dial myself in when the Emerald Cup comes around next April, whether I’ll know which foods will do what to my system, whether I’ll truly be able to get my legs and shoulders up to the judges’ standards. But I digress. Is it intellect? Beauty? Money? Charisma? Ultimately, whatever quality is needed to sell the package you hold in your hands for the public to purchase is the quality that provides you with the ability to be a leader.
Also remember that just because you are a follower at one point, doesn’t that mean you can’t swing the pendulum to your favor and become a leader at a future point. Remember though, that you will have to follow again in order to reach a new rung on the ladder of leadership. Life is cyclical.
And this is what I’ve had to learn. I’m technically not a follower, but in this industry I’ve been following for quite some time. I’ve chosen trainer after trainer after trainer and been a stickler about following their instructions to the tiniest of details. And where has it gotten me? Well, it’s gotten me everywhere, to be quite frank. I’ve hit the bottom; I’ve come close to hitting the top, and I’ve bounced around the middle as well. I’ve gotten lost in the murk of ignorance and pointed fingers where maybe they shouldn’t have been pointed and directed attention where it should have been placed on myself as to why I didn’t score higher or reach a better placing. I’ve been working diligently to clear the fog and look into myself with a brighter light. And in light of all of this, I’ve decided to chart new territory for myself and make it on my own in 2005. I have very close friends around me who can monitor my progress and answer my questions, but in the end, it’s me on the stage, it’s my body, and it’s my future, so it only makes sense for me to make the decisions. I’m crawling back to start…back to me. It’s time for me to taste a different fruit…one of personal achievement. It just might be the sweetest and juiciest yet.
***Okay, so that was originally what I wanted to post last night. I worked hard on that thing! Even suffered through some writer’s block in the middle and began craving chocolate and wondering if a cheeseburger might ease the ailment of my inability to get my words on paper. Nevertheless, I stuck with my diet food and listened to my stomach growl and my mind’s wheels forge ahead.
Here’s what I’m pissed about in this blurb. I’m still stuck on the Mike Davies’ crap that I feel I endured last year. And maybe that’s it. The word endured. I mean really. What did I endure? Didn’t I get a nod from the judges? Didn’t I improve upon my 2002 physique? So all in all, did I suffer? Did I die? No. I just learned some fruitful lessons that I can carry forth into next year.
So with that being said, I’m posting all of this, and I want y’all aware that my mind works horribly sometimes. I get stuck like a CD or an album and play the same track in my mind over and over. But the worse thing about that is the music never changes when you get stuck, and you have to manually move the needle or set the CD player down or choose another song in order to get past the scratch. And that’s what I’m trying to do. I’m trying to get beyond mindless discussions of what girl should have placed where and whose butt looked like what and what was better about my physique than that girl. I can get caught up in that crap so quickly; I’m like a paper clip to a magnetic field, flying right into those discussions, opening my mouth, and inserting both feet. And while it’s fun in the moment and brings you closer to your comrades at that point in time, in the end, it doesn’t further your own goals or career.
I guess that’s really what I wanted to say. I have my own butt to worry about. Some would say I’m obsessed with it. Maybe I am and that’s why it looks like it does. But maybe I should stop worrying about other girls’ butts and what they’re doing. After all, I want the trophy to go home with me…not them.
