I keep thinking that I need to write something thought-provoking on this thing, and so I continue to push it off and push it off and push it off until I feel guilty for not writing in my blogger at all and as a result leave everyone hanging. I guess the only way to get back into it is to just do it (overused cliche' that it is, but it's so true).

Well, let's start with a bit of news. I'm wondering if someone could blow on this little black cloud that likes to pop up from time to time in my life and send a downpour of bad news into my existence. Could you blow it into oblivion for me, please? This year's black cloud came in the form of a termination from my job due to the images seen on the public section of my website. They classified them as "nudity" and "a conflict of interest with the code of ethics" of the company. I should mention that my immediate boss had been aware of the website almost since I began working there due to someone outside of the company who knew me had shown it to her (in a positive manner, not in a manner to get me in trouble, mind you), and she would talk about the site with praise in her voice to others in the company when she would introduce me during meetings. Thus, when I was pulled in last Thursday towards the end of the work day (just one week after being told I was being given a raise, a new office, and new responsibilities just six months after starting there, which was quite rare and originally not supposed to have occurred for me, as I understood it), I never expected to hear the words, "due to the content on your website, you are hereby terminated." No warning. No discussion. No probationary period. No choices. No opportunity for me to even contemplate my own decisions regarding my livelihood. Terminated. Terminated. Terminated. What an ugly word. When "terminated" reverberates in your ears, it means grab a box, pack your stuff, we'll call when your paycheck (the last bit of money you will ever receive from us) arrives, thanks, but no thanks. I was shocked, devastated, angry, hurt, depressed. You name it, I felt it.

I just wonder when people in this country will quit merging one's looks together with one's intellect and work ethic. After all, my job performance (and this was stated quite clearly during the meeting) had nothing to do with the decision.

I've quit wondering why this happened to me. There's something else I'm meant to do, and I just need to figure out what exactly it is. For immediate means of income, I'm returning to personal training. For the long term side of things, I have some serious thinking to do. I know in my heart I wouldn't have given up the website if asked to. That is my heart. It's not just a bunch of images. It's me. Each photo gallery represents my emotions, my spark of energy, my thoughts, my activities during that stage in my life when the photos were taken. I can go through each gallery and explain to a bystander what was occurring in my life at the time of the shoot and how it related to the expressions on my face, the mood in my eyes, the conditioning of my body, etc. Combine all of that with the writing I've added, and that little corner of the web truly is mine. To give it up would be to give up on me. Would I have removed some images? Yes. But tell me, where does that begin and where does it end? What constitutes an okay image on my site and a not-so-okay one? And if I don't feel it truly fits under the term "moral turpitude," then why does someone else have the right to attach that label to it?

As my webmaster and I discussed, there isn't a single photo (members' area or public section) that could not be displayed in the pages of Maxim, FHM, MuscleMag, or Ironman...all of whom showcase skimpy bikinis, provocative lingerie, and alluring expressions. I was told that my photos were too suggestive...provocative. I've looked through my photos. I see some images where I look adorable and cute wearing the tiniest of thong bikinis. And I see other images where I look suggestive and provocative while covered in jeans and tank top. This is semantics to me. One complaint was with Brian Moss's photos...the mere fact of a bed being in the photo. If the bed weren't there and the photo setting was instead the streets of Manhattan, would that make a difference? If fabric rather than my arm were covering my breasts, would that make it okay? If I wore my posing suit but sat on a bed, would that constitute a problem? Do you see? Semantics.

I could go on and on. I'm sure this will strike discussion with y'all. All I ask is for the discussion to remain on topic and to philosophize the situation rather than slander the people who chose to do this to me. I don't agree with the decision. I don't agree with how it was handled. Quite frankly, I have yet to find a single person who does, including a very religious fanatic who felt I should have at least been provided with a warning and a decision to make between images on the site or my job. I've even talked with human resources managers and executives who are shocked that this occurred. What does that say?

It's just a shame. One's private life truly isn't private at all and is instead held in the hands of discretion and condemnation of others. Such a shame.

Reading back upon this, I guess I did write something thought-provoking after all, huh?