Mother to Son

Well, son, I'll tell you:
Life for me ain't been no crystal stair.
It's had tacks in it,
And splinters,
And boards torn up,
And places with no carpet on the floor--
Bare.
But all the time
I'se been a-climbin' on,
And reachin' landin's,
And turnin' corners,
And sometimes goin' in the dark
Where there ain't been no light.
So boy, don't you turn back.
Don't you set down on the steps
'Cause you finds it's kinder hard.
Don't you fall now--
For I'se still goin', honey,
I'se still climbin',
And life for me ain't been no crystal stair.

--Langston Hughes

I should have turned to this poem last fall and winter when I was struggling with motivation, focus, and intensity; when I couldn't decide which way to turn and which path to take in my future goals and aspirations. The mother's words always lights a fire beneath me and propels me to want more, work harder, and achieve the best. And after watching the Democratic debate tonight on CNN, I'm reminded of how many people in America and beyond her borders struggle within their own lives and have it way worse than I do.

I moan and complain, gripe and groan of so many things in my life, and yet I made certain choices that set in motion certain events that I now conduct and of which I often find the negatives. To worry about how to make it through running over three miles after having low carbs is nothing compared to someone who worries about where their next meal will come from or how a child's education will be paid for or what will happen upon entering a hospital and being turned away because of lack of healthcare.

I know two items of discussion that are taboo involve religion and politics. I figure since religion was brought to light on the public boards with mention of Jews and Mel Gibson's newest film venture, I may as well let it all hang out and introduce politics. Let the sparks fly!

I didn't vote for George Bush. I didn't vote for Al Gore either. I was highly disappointed in both candidates last election season; actually, I was highly disappointed that this country couldn't come up with something better to grace our ballots, but that's the past...for the history books(literally). After watching the debate tonight, I am convinced that I will vote not just in the Democratic primary but also in the presidential election. A change is on the way, and I'm inspired by it, just like I've been inspired by Hughes' poem.

Education, health care, immigration laws, tax cuts, protection of Social Security, the situation with Iraq (and now Haiti) all need to be resolved, and I really believe that a ticket that includes Kerry or Edwards (or both, as the discussion has been raised of whether one will invite the other to run as vice president) will institute a new direction for America. Of course, as a former teacher, you can guess that I'm a Democrat. Now, I'm going to leave my opinion there. The rest can be discussed on the message boards (it'll test to see who actually reads this stuff that escapes my fingertips! Lol!), and I'll respond to comments and opinions and questions there. This can be a very fruitful discussion, and if you've had a chance to vote and want to explain your decision, by all means, add it in!

And along the idea of awareness of others and their situations, plights, and struggles, I'm curious as to what areas y'all think are in the most desperate need of volunteerism. My opinion is that of the public education, and this can be two-fold. Let me explain. There is the portion of public education in which students need extra attention from adults (and Senator Kerry had mentioned having a program where teenagers volunteer in At-Risk programs and give back to their communities and schools and have their in-state college education--all four years--completely paid for; I found this to be a highly interesting concept). This can come in the form of after-school tutoring, after-school supervised recreation, aid to teachers in the classroom during the school day, special events scheduled throughout the year dedicated to students who have applied themselves and proven their desire to succeed the most (not necessarily just A and B students, but all students who have made a 30% or more improvement in their scholastic development). The other part of the equation is in terms of teaching students to be proud of and respectful towards themselves. Nutrition, exercise, self-esteem and self-image courses and programs would all benefit elementary, middle, and high school students. When we take care of our youth, we improve our economy because we produce more productive and successful human beings who want to give back to society and grab onto dreams and make them reality.

I was lucky. Sure, I had a dysfunctional childhood. I don't think there's a single human being who hasn't. What parent is perfect? But my parents taught me that as long as I try my best, then that's all that matters. It's why I still work so hard in the gym and in my competitions. Each time I step on stage, I know I've done my best for that particular point in time. I can walk away happy. Sure, I might be upset in the short term because I'm walking away empty handed and still an amateur, but ultimately, I know I did the hard work my long term trophy are the lessons I've learned by not earning first place or a pro card on my first try. A thread on one of the Muscle Mayhem board asked what you would do differently. I don't know if I've said this before, but everytime I open my mouth to say what I'd do differently, I close it quickly because the awareness that my past makes me who I am today settles in. Every turn, whether right or wrong, led me down a certain path and took me to the present destination. If I went down a different road at some point in the past, I wouldn't be at this juncture today; I wouldn't be the same person I am today. And while I do deal with self-esteem and self-image issues, I am aware that I have a bright future ahead of me and am standing in a prime location today to reach it. That debate tonight helped to re-awaken me and to remind me that there are so many others who struggle in much worse situations. I suppose now the idea is to learn to be thankful for what you do have and examine how to give to others and help them reach their prime locations.

I hope this entry wasn't preachy; it was just what was on my mind. Before the weekend is out I'll return back to contest preparation stuff, but I had to get this out.

Happy Friday to all!

Jodi :)

Less than two weeks left before the Arnold Expo, and I can't wait! I received a letter of confirmation from CytoSport, three tubs of protein, and a packet of information regarding the company and its products. I must say that I am pleased with their protein powders. Very creamy, easy to mix, and easy on the tastebuds. Now, I know I sound like a commercial for them, but I really do think they provide a good product. It seems their Muscle Milk protein is their highest selling, for I've seen about six or seven flavors in the supplement store that I purchase all of my protein, glutamine, glucosamine, and vitamins from.

Speaking of supplements, I've upped my level of glucosamine. I've been a bunch of plyometrics and a lot of time on the stepper, and my left knee has been popping a bit and aching a little, so in order to create a bit of joint soreness prevention, I've begun taking glucosamine capsules three times a day. It is helping.

I also take glutamine twice a day--once in my morning shake after cardio and once again in the evening after my weight workout. I really think the glutamine is imperative when building muscle mass and maintaining it.

I'm going to be adding fish back into my diet this week and taking the turkey breast out in order to create some variety. I'm also relying on chicken breasts, egg whites, and one protein shake a day for my protein intake. And I eat lean red meat twice a week. I definitely look forward to that!

And then there's my mass consumption of Trident cinnamon gum. It's an addiction. I admit it. I have a problem. I should attend gum chewers anonymous meetings. I'd probably see the rest of the figure and fitness competitors there! I probably go through a pack a day, and it has to be Trident and it has to be cinnamon flavored. By the end of the evening, my tongue is on fire, my tastebuds are numb, and the mint from my toothpaste when I brush my teeth before bed brings tears to my eyes when it hits my mouth. And the local Walmart has decided to stop carrying the cinnamon flavor because there isn't enough of a demand for it. Not enough of a demand??? Are they crazy? I probably keep Trident in business with how many times I purchase packages. I don't even buy one or two packets anymore. Forget that! I go ahead and get the whole box that holds about 15 packets in it. The cashiers look at me like I'm crazy, but they aren't dieting and waiting for their next meal time to arrive!

I swear I'm hungry allll the time too! I'm in the middle of drinking my shake in the morning and I'm looking at the time and trying to figure out when I can eat again. I eat my chicken and potatoes (by the way, I've been adding this fajita seasoning that smells something awful but tastes heavenly; basically, it clears the room when I open my plastic container of food. That's okay, I prefer to eat alone! Lol!)...ohhh there I go off on another tangent! Anyway, I eat my chicken and potatoes and I'm still hungry as I'm munching on the last bits of potato. It's madness, I tell you! I don't understand how someone as small as I am can eat as much food as I do. I'll tell you this, never take me to a all-you-can-eat buffet! It's embarrassment for everyone! Actually, my dad is the all-you-can-eat king, but I'll save that story for another time. Let's just leave it at restaurants have actually closed down their buffets and stopped offering all you can eat after my dad has been there once or twice. I'm not kidding! And this is from a man is only 5'6".

There's got to be other stuff to talk about besides food. Yes...the progress pictures. Those were taken yesterday after my chest workout. I must state that the pictures are not a true portrayal of my physique. My abs are not showing up in the photos, my shoulders are a bit larger, my lat spread is more prominent, and my legs and butt are nowhere to be seen because the pictures were awful! I nearly panicked when I looked at the pictures! But real life tells a slightly different story, thank goodness. In fact, I put on a favorite baby T-shirt of mine this past week after not having worn it for about a month, and I was shocked. Either the dryer got ahold of some of the material and discarded it or I've gained some size in my back and shoulders. I'd like to think it was the latter.

By the way, the first figure show of the year was this past Saturday...the Ironman Pro NPC Figure out in California. This was the one that Hannah Park won. Remember, Hannah went on to win the 2003 Junior USA's and earn her pro card as the overall figure girl. She eventually qualified for the Olympia and represented us short girls quite well with a full and lean physique. A girl by the name of Abby Duncan won the Ironman this year. She placed 15th in the 2003 Figure Nationals and will definitely be on the national scene again this year. If you want to see results and photos, go to either www.ftvideo.com or www.bodysport.com. Please post remarks on the message board. I'm very curious to know your thoughts.

And on that same subject, be sure to post your opinions on the Arnold. Pick fitness, figure, or bodybuilding, or all three, and let me know who you want to see win and who you think has the best physique and the best chances up in Columbus.

I'm about to eat my egg whites and get ready for bed. I have a morning cardio session and then will be blasting my arms tomorrow evening. I have to work on the outer portion of my biceps in order to create a thicker look in my arms, so everything I'm doing now is close grip: close grip barbell curls, one arm dumbbell preacher curls with my elbow placement slightly inside of my shoulder joint, lying cable curls with a close grip (these are my favorites!). And I get to do bench dips tomorrow as well. I do these very heavy, with two 45-pound plates and then drop set them. I nearly fall of the bench when it's all said and done. And my triceps are growing, but they still need more size.

I've got to get back into sprints. The weather has been so off and on lately. There was the freak snowstorm (when you get more than an inch of snow in Texas, believe me...it's a blizzard out there!), and today it was pouring rain. I'm not sprinting in that! I can just see it. My little legs going as fast as they can and suddenly my foot slips and one leg goes in one direction and the other one in the other and before I realize it, I'm doing the splits, which I haven't done since...well...actually never, which means that something is terribly wrong and painful. Nope, no sprints in the rain! Lol! I'm praying for warm weather to come back! Sorry to all of you up north, but that's why I'm in Texas! Thank goodness for heat! :)

Now I'm off to eat and go to bed. Enjoy your week!

Jodi :)

A 30-minute session of cardio is awaiting me once I've had my water this morning, and then I'll be primping for my photoshoot with Tre' Scott today. It's a five-hour shoot, so it's a really, really lengthy one, but it should be laid back and relaxed. I'll be toting my whole closet along, so the packing will be the only tortuous part of today.

Since I joined a new gym, my workout times have been restricted to when the gym is open, so I'm having to postpone my chest and plyometrics workout until tomorrow. I'm okay with that; unlike many of you, I kind of dislike chest day and find it bothersome. I'd rather do back, like I did yesterday (I did low cable rows with almost the entire stack--140 pounds and one arm dumbbell rows with 55 pounds). Or shoulders would please me as well. Speaking of shoulders, I meant to tell y'all that I had the most incredible shoulder workout earlier this week. The branch veins in my delts began to snake their way across the muscle and become quite evident. It made me all tingly inside because when the veins come out, I know showtime is approaching! Cable side laterals were added into my workout program, and if you haven't attempted these, now is the time to do so. The resistance is slightly heavier on the eccentric (or negative) phase when using the cables, so it works the side delt in a different manner than just using dumbbells. I only used 10 pounds on each arm (I did one arm at a time), but I did 18 to 20 reps and really killed my shoulders. I moved from that exercise to dumbbell presses with 25 pound weights and pounded them out until I reached failure with each set. I really enjoyed that workout!

I'll let y'all know a little about the outfits from the shoot later in the week. No fishnet stockings today, but there are some great outfits (a cute pair of red booty shorts might make it into the mix!) that I'm bringing along. I'll save the fishnets for Gene Carangal and JT at the Arnold--when I'm even leaner than now. And speaking of which, progress pictures are up, but more will be taken this week and presented next Sunday or Monday.

Take care and have a restful Sunday afternoon!

Jodi :)

The Trees
Philip Larkin

The trees are coming into leaf
Like something almost being said;
The recent buds relax and spread,
Their greenness is a kind of grief.

Is it that they are born again
And we grow old? No, they die too.
Their yearly trick of looking new
Is written down in rings of grain.

Yet still the unresting castles thresh
In fullgrown thickness every May.
Last year is dead, they seem to say,
Begin afresh, afresh, afresh.



Cycles. I think everything in life has its own cycle that spins like a wheel before being passed down to the next generation. Today is a gloomy day here. The trees look sad, black against a gray sky and yet the grass laughs ironically for it has still maintained its lush greenness. It's amazing how in the face of adversity nature can still thrive. And when I say nature, I include mankind.

I heard on the news yesterday of a 16-year old boy in Turkey who had survived for six days in the rubble of a crumpled building. No food, no water, no family to support him or encourage him. I marvel at how he did it. The reporter stated he slept much of the time, which reserved his energy and allowed him to maintain life whereas others struggled and used up precious moments. So, here's the question: When faced with adversity, do you sit back and let it do its damage, like an innocent bystander witnessing a tornado on its rampage? Or do you thrash about and fight back and utilize all ammunition in order to come out on top? Which is the right choice?

It's so hard to say. I don't know if I can answer my own question. I think I would choose the latter option. I can say that in my competitions, I am thrashing about and fighting back. If I were to sit back and become a spectator, then jealousy, rage, and regret would fill my heart as I watched fellow competitors take places that I could have earned. And this is where competing for a trophy on stage and competing for a place in life go hand in hand. I truly believe that a hobby can mirror your personality and can help you to achieve so much more than just filling time and space.

Someone said to me yesterday that this sport requires much patience. I realized that I've been at the national level for two years now, and I haven't thrown in the towel yet. I'm too stubborn for that. I'm also too curious. Even in the off season, when I was mentally exhausted, I couldn't imagine quitting simply because I wanted to know if I could reach the top. I would never want to be left with "what if" questions, and so I struggled through the depression, through the tears, through the self doubt. And it has been worth it.

The progress pictures will be up soon, but already they are a bit obsolete. I am harder, leaner, stronger in just a span of two weeks. What is attributing to this? Me. My work ethic. My desire. My depression isn't as strong as it was a few months ago. It seems to cycle in and out of my life. It almost disappears when a show is on the horizon. Possibly, it's because I feel more useful, more purposeful. Maybe it's because I'm a bit happier with myself and can look in the mirror and find a few positives. Or, it could be because I feel more in control. In the off season, I could not get handle on my cravings or my weight. I watched my body put on pounds and I cried. I wriggled--unsuccessfully--into jeans that had fit just a few months prior and found that only sweats or baggy pants would work. It was devastating. I knew there was a purpose to that weight gain. It was necessary in order to pack on some much needed muscle in my upper body, but to watch your physique change from something that everyone oohhhed and aahhhed at to something that I just wanted hide was quite difficult.

My leaves are turning green now. Branches are forming; my trunk is stronger, and my roots are embedded deeper into the tough soil of competition and preparation. I am ready for this year whether I receive a pro card or not. I'm giving it my best shot, and if it's not good enough for the judges, well, that's too bad . . . because it's good enough for me!

Now that I've had my diatribe, I can move on to my training and nutrition info for the past week.

We've reached the 10-week mark. Actually, a little less...but who's counting? Lol! I'm maintaining a weight of 109 to 110 pounds. That's important. I don't want to lose muscle mass in the process of shedding fat. I've worked too hard in the off season for that! So, the carbs are cycled on a regular basis (there again is the issue of cycles!). A lot of this is determined by instinct and by the mirror. There are some days when I am looking flat. By this I mean that my muscles are smaller, the skin is looser, the veins aren't evident, and I look almost skinny. That means that my body has used up all the carbs and is probably in need of more or will start using muscle to fuel its energy during cardio and weight training. I have to avoid that. But the tricky thing is that I have to have some flat days so that I don't spill over and become too full and start holding fat because I've had too many calories or too many carbs. This is where the cycling comes in handy. My body is constantly becoming flat and then filling out, becoming flat and then filling out. This ensures that no last-minute saving graces have to be endured. No mile-high stack of pancakes the morning of the show, no deep dish pizza the night before, no pie filling, no excessive amounts of jelly and rice cakes. This is too precarious to me. You never know how your body will react to something that hasn't been in your diet for the two months before a show, so my philosophy is, why add it in during the last minutes and risk excessive spillage of carbs and possible smoothing out (which means abs and such would not be seen).

Here's an example. In the 2002 Junior Nationals, I was way too flat. I was very lean but not full. You can see it in the competition pictures. I believe they are in the public section's gallery. Now, examine Gene X. Hwang's photos where I'm in the green bikini and the pink strapless top and white pants. Do you see a difference in my physique between the two sets of photos? Which one do I appear fuller and healthier? Let me add that Gene's photos were done the morning after the show. The morning after a dinner made up of an entire bag of Reese's miniature peanut butter cups (I think that thing is about eight servings...just call me Miss Piggy and I'll oink in response), a huge cheeseburger, and a plateful of fries. By the evening of Gene's shoot, I had lost my abs. The sodium, addition of water, and shock of sugar had hit my body and I reacted.

Now, my body has become more attentive to what I'm doing to it. This is why I'm considering not dropping my water at all but instead flooding it with water in the days leading up to the show. Within four or five hours, my body realizes that it is missing water and counterattacks the situation by retaining water. Examine the 2003 Figure Nationals photos on Ironman Magazine's site, and you'll see that my abs are a bit blurry and my legs not as lean. I had depleted water (and I munched on a few brownies and cookies before the evening show, which is when the pictures were taken . . . completely oblivious to the fact that I might make it into the finals. Two second call outs rarely put a person into the top five). My body reacted within hours. I had a feeling this would happen, for I had been tighter and leaner in the days before the water depletion (my abs are much more evident in the Brian Moss photos than they are in the stage photos for the Figure Nationals; mind you, I shot with Brian the day before I stepped on stage).

All fascinating stuff if you're a competitor. Boring if you're not. So I'm sorry if I traveled a little off course, but I wanted to explain the terms of being "flat" (I'm not talking A-cuppage here, though I tend to reach that point while dieting down), "spilling over", and being "full" (though my pint of Ben and Jerry's Oatmeal Cookie Crunch ice cream during my cheat meal on Sunday evening definitely made me full, competition physique "full" is a whole different terminology).

And that's why cheat meals are incorporated into the diet. I had to go four full weeks with strict dieting in order to get my mind in the right place and to get my body lean enough. Then the cheat meals have been added in sporadically in order to keep me from getting too flat and from not reacting to the diet and possibly reaching a plateau. I've also kept my sodium levels up higher than I have ever done in previous years. I think it's adding to my strength, for I'm holding onto some water, which keeps my joints and muscles lubricated. Sodium will drop the three weeks before the show.

In terms of training, I'm sticking with what has been working all along since my last show. Light weights, high reps on quads. Heavier weights, high reps on hamstrings and glutes (glutes are tricky; how do I thicken the muscle there without touching the muscle in the quads? Talk about conundrums!). Heavy, heavy, heavy weights for all upper body muscles and rep ranges are constantly changing to keep my body constantly guessing. I think it's working. The progress pics will tell, and I'm very curious as to what your opinions are.

I have a photoshoot with Tre' Scott this Sunday, and some talk of fishnet stockings has been making its way around the board, so I might have to do a little shopping this week. Should be interesting!

In the meantime, enjoy the winter. Without it, we wouldn't notice the beauty of the spring or bask in the face of the summer's warmth or revel in the rich colors of the fall. I thought my off season was a tortuous time. Now, it doesn't seem so bad after all.

Exactly one month after starting the diet for the Junior USA's, I finally had a cheat meal! There is a new burrito place that opened up down the street and everyone had been talking about it lately, so I went there, watched the Super Bowl, and chowed down on a huge chicken, beans, and rice burrito with a bit of cheese, guacamole, and sour cream. I munched on tortilla chips and tomatillo sauce, and had three oatmeal raisin cookies for dessert. Yum!

I reached a point in the dieting phase where I felt I could mentally handle the cheat meal. Physically, my body could have handled it a week earlier, but I wanted to be sure that I could eat the food, not overeat, and not be riddled with guilt after eating. Success was achieved. Better yet, my physique thanked me by popping out veins in my arms and...get this...my abs! I don't think in the past I've had veins running up and down my lower abs 10 weeks before a show. In fact, the gym owner at the new gym I joined asked if maybe I wasn't a bit too lean. But I know that I'm not because my legs and glutes still need to tighten up a bit more and my lower abs need more work. It's still great to see everything coming together and to know that I could be ready to step on stage in just six to seven weeks.

My seamstress is coming over tomorrow night and we'll discuss the cut of the suits and the fabric selection. I'm not getting jitters yet...it's too early for that...but my mind is completely geared for this first show of the year. One of my friends who just turned pro in figure in 2003 saw the back shot of me and said, "Wow!" I can't wait to get those up for y'all to see.

I usually think that if I feel too positive about my physique, then I'll jinx it, so I can't allow myself to get too excited or too focused on the good aspects. In the past, I've really been critical of my physique and centered on the portions that I need to fix. It then makes me even more nervous for the shows and makes me doubt whether I could actually turn pro. I've had a change of mind this year, though. I think all the depression and self doubt and lack of motivation that I suffered through in the fall and winter months of 2003 paved the way for me to uplift myself and find some positive energy. I've never walked on stage feeling like a pro. I'm hoping in 2004 that I can change that.

I will plan for another cheat meal in two weeks. At that point, I'll be eight weeks out and probably won't have a cheat meal for a long time after that. I might have one two weeks before the show to keep myself from getting too flat, but the cheat meals in season are very different from those in the off season. That burrito I had was not that bad in terms of fat grams. I had a lot of carbs (I told them light on the beans, but that wasn't because of the amounts of carbs...you've heard the bean song, right? Lol!), but that was okay, because it was a shock to my system. This restaurant, though, specializes in making their food the healthy, natural way. Anyway, I'm rambling. But suffice it to say that these cheat meals will not be pizza and ice cream fests!

I'm still keeping the weight training very heavy with moderate reps, about 8 to 15 depending upon the exercise and the muscle group. I'm keeping my legs smaller by staying away from heavy weights and instead doing a lot of explosive jumping movements (plyometrics). And cardio fell to just one time a day last week but will rise back up to twice a day this week.

I'm taking my flaxseed oil every day. And I'm still taking in the avocado a couple times a week. Both of those fat sources seem to work better than the olive oil and almonds combination I was using in the off season. But that could be because it is a drastic change, and the body will always react whenever there is a shift in the diet.

I'm still having the protein shakes as well. Those will probably disappear about one to two weeks out. I'm going to handle my water depletion differently, but I haven't quite decided exactly how yet. But taking out the glutamine, glucosamine, and the protein powder will help to pull some of the water out of me. I will also quit adding salt to my food and will stop with the spices that have sodium in them. Right now, I add salt to my potatoes and my egg whites and have this yummy fajita seasoning on my ground turkey and my chicken.

Okay, enough about my diet. I'm sure you're bored by now of that. What else happened this week. Oh yes, a mad dash into the post office after sitting in bumper-to-bumper traffic and dealing with road rage at ridiculous drivers (I'm in the right, of course!) made for quite an exciting evening. The pictures that had been ordered by a few members made it into the 6:15 mail by mere seconds!

I returned a couple pairs of tennis shoes that I had gotten at the end of December. I thought both would work, but they actually hurt my feet and my shins; luckily, Just for Feet took them back even after they had been worn a few times and allowed me to exchange them. Definitely get your shoes there if you have one by you because you can exchange the merchandise if it doesn't work out. This kept me from wasting almost $150. And now I have some extremely cool red and white Nike Air Shox! I can now boing my way through my workouts. That doesn't sound quite right. Ignore that statement!

Well, that's my boring life for now! I'm doing shoulders tomorrow and will let you know how that goes later this week.

Speak to y'all on the boards!

Jodi :)