I've been writing, just in other locations. Most of the writing has been done on my site, in both the public section and the members' area. My training journal and weekly--sometimes daily--thoughts are located in the members' forum at www.jodileigh.com. I've also been adding a bit to my blog in MySpace: http://www.myspace.com/jodimiller. If it turns out that isn't working as well, I'll return here. I should re-read through this to see what I've been thinking all along, to see if my mind still churns in the same manner it once did. I think I've changed. Maybe it's everyone around me who has changed, and I've just remained the same. Who knows.

“When you’re at odds with yourself, it’s hard to create. Sometimes the writing process is as easy as opening up the window and letting in the breeze. And sometimes it’s like chiseling away at a block of granite with a pencil.” (326)

Scar Tissue
Anthony Kiedis with Larry Sloman

I thought I'd leave this as a little food for thought (or should I say a written treat) on this Halloween. I'm going to work as a bunny. Lol! Weird, huh? I'm about to be 33, am a manager in a marketing division of a company, and I'm wearing bunny ears to work. Well, they said we could dress up from the neck up, and I saw these adorable, soft, fuzzy pink ears and pink bowtie (there's a pink tail too, but I can't wear it...obviously, my butt is not part of the "from the neck up" clause), and I couldn't pass them up. I'm not sure how you take work seriously when wearing bunny ears, but maybe that's the point? This never would have been allowed in my old job.

I brought up the quote that begins this entry because I'm about three-fourths of the way through the book. I bought it on Friday and haven't been able to put it down, and it somehow cultivated the creative juices in me because that evening, I sat down and wrote a poem, which my webmaster added to the members' area in the "Personal Writings" section. I haven't written a poem in about a year. It's amazing how one book can do that to you, can open the floodgates of emotions and create this utter need to express yourself.

I'll continue more when I get home this evening from work (hoppity hop) and from training legs and doing cardio. It may be Halloween, but a girl still needs to remain lean, so no rest for the weary.

Have a good Monday!

Jodi

I will be updating this blog soon! This weekend in fact! I have so much to tell you, and I should break it into a few different entries so that I don't write a novel all in one space or time frame.

Just know that approximately a week and a half after being terminated from my previous job, I ended up getting hired in a different company...a smaller one (much smaller). Get this: higher salary than what I would have even gotten with that raise I had been promised, higher position, more responsibilities, and a total awareness by the owner of the company and my boss (one of the directors) of my website and the photos it contains. I went into the interview with a totally honest and forthright approach, and after five hours of talking with two directors and the owner himself, I was hired.

I've read all of the comments and suggestions regarding what transpired, and I will discuss everything in those replies as well as discuss exactly what my emotions were, how my emotions changed as the days flew by, and what the reasoning was behind each and every one of my decisions since that afternoon.

Thank you for being patient with me! I've actually been suffering from a mean case of writer's block. It's frustrating. The words sit in my mind, just mocking me. And the computer screen remains blank, my fingers resting on the keyboard and waiting for the trigger to send them flying into the future. I'm saying forget it. This weekend, block or no block, I'm writing in my Blogger and making something happen.

Jodi

I keep thinking that I need to write something thought-provoking on this thing, and so I continue to push it off and push it off and push it off until I feel guilty for not writing in my blogger at all and as a result leave everyone hanging. I guess the only way to get back into it is to just do it (overused cliche' that it is, but it's so true).

Well, let's start with a bit of news. I'm wondering if someone could blow on this little black cloud that likes to pop up from time to time in my life and send a downpour of bad news into my existence. Could you blow it into oblivion for me, please? This year's black cloud came in the form of a termination from my job due to the images seen on the public section of my website. They classified them as "nudity" and "a conflict of interest with the code of ethics" of the company. I should mention that my immediate boss had been aware of the website almost since I began working there due to someone outside of the company who knew me had shown it to her (in a positive manner, not in a manner to get me in trouble, mind you), and she would talk about the site with praise in her voice to others in the company when she would introduce me during meetings. Thus, when I was pulled in last Thursday towards the end of the work day (just one week after being told I was being given a raise, a new office, and new responsibilities just six months after starting there, which was quite rare and originally not supposed to have occurred for me, as I understood it), I never expected to hear the words, "due to the content on your website, you are hereby terminated." No warning. No discussion. No probationary period. No choices. No opportunity for me to even contemplate my own decisions regarding my livelihood. Terminated. Terminated. Terminated. What an ugly word. When "terminated" reverberates in your ears, it means grab a box, pack your stuff, we'll call when your paycheck (the last bit of money you will ever receive from us) arrives, thanks, but no thanks. I was shocked, devastated, angry, hurt, depressed. You name it, I felt it.

I just wonder when people in this country will quit merging one's looks together with one's intellect and work ethic. After all, my job performance (and this was stated quite clearly during the meeting) had nothing to do with the decision.

I've quit wondering why this happened to me. There's something else I'm meant to do, and I just need to figure out what exactly it is. For immediate means of income, I'm returning to personal training. For the long term side of things, I have some serious thinking to do. I know in my heart I wouldn't have given up the website if asked to. That is my heart. It's not just a bunch of images. It's me. Each photo gallery represents my emotions, my spark of energy, my thoughts, my activities during that stage in my life when the photos were taken. I can go through each gallery and explain to a bystander what was occurring in my life at the time of the shoot and how it related to the expressions on my face, the mood in my eyes, the conditioning of my body, etc. Combine all of that with the writing I've added, and that little corner of the web truly is mine. To give it up would be to give up on me. Would I have removed some images? Yes. But tell me, where does that begin and where does it end? What constitutes an okay image on my site and a not-so-okay one? And if I don't feel it truly fits under the term "moral turpitude," then why does someone else have the right to attach that label to it?

As my webmaster and I discussed, there isn't a single photo (members' area or public section) that could not be displayed in the pages of Maxim, FHM, MuscleMag, or Ironman...all of whom showcase skimpy bikinis, provocative lingerie, and alluring expressions. I was told that my photos were too suggestive...provocative. I've looked through my photos. I see some images where I look adorable and cute wearing the tiniest of thong bikinis. And I see other images where I look suggestive and provocative while covered in jeans and tank top. This is semantics to me. One complaint was with Brian Moss's photos...the mere fact of a bed being in the photo. If the bed weren't there and the photo setting was instead the streets of Manhattan, would that make a difference? If fabric rather than my arm were covering my breasts, would that make it okay? If I wore my posing suit but sat on a bed, would that constitute a problem? Do you see? Semantics.

I could go on and on. I'm sure this will strike discussion with y'all. All I ask is for the discussion to remain on topic and to philosophize the situation rather than slander the people who chose to do this to me. I don't agree with the decision. I don't agree with how it was handled. Quite frankly, I have yet to find a single person who does, including a very religious fanatic who felt I should have at least been provided with a warning and a decision to make between images on the site or my job. I've even talked with human resources managers and executives who are shocked that this occurred. What does that say?

It's just a shame. One's private life truly isn't private at all and is instead held in the hands of discretion and condemnation of others. Such a shame.

Reading back upon this, I guess I did write something thought-provoking after all, huh?

In the remaining weeks before the USA’s, I ran at dawn and then again at dusk. I had a routine: run one time around the block of apartment buildings on my side of a major street, which constitutes phases one and two, and then cross the street and run around the entire section of phases three and four of the same complex. Most of the apartments have multiple windows. Seeing that I live along a corner of the building, I personally have three windows in the living room, French doors in the dining room, one in the kitchen, and a sliding glass door in the bedroom. I try desperately to remember to close most of them, but there are moments when I find myself in various stages of undress as I meander into the dining room or living room and then realize, “oops.” Most likely, the same occurs for others in this complex because, for the second time this year, I discovered another naked person.

It’s not as though I’m on a hunt for them either. There I was, 6:30 in the morning, sun beginning to make its daily trek towards the top of the sky, my legs on fire, my iPod blaring (by the way, it’s broken now, and I’m utterly devastated, but more on that later), and my eyes wandering. I’m a voyeur, I guess. I like to observe, and I look to do it unnoticed—incognito, if you will. You get a true feel for someone’s features, choices, mood, etc. And so, in my state of observation (and general nosiness), I peered into window after window, opened blinds after opened blinds, and there, before me, was a naked woman applying make up at her bathroom counter, of which I could see through the French door with the open blinds that led into the living room, which led into the bathroom with the light on and the door open. Her view from the living room was that of brush and trees—no buildings—so there was no reason to close the blinds when the sky was still dark and the lights were on inside. What freedom, huh? To walk around naked in the privacy of your home and not be concerned with others poking their noses in your business (except for crazy runners like me who happen to charge by while the moon is still in the sky).

My site is kind of like that, in a way. Here I am. Naked for you to read and observe. Even when I’m not aware of your presence, you might still be there, peering in my windows and seeing what you can catch a glimpse of. Sometimes I mean for you to see things, and other times, I reveal much more between the lines than the average passerby is aware of. Maybe that’s why I don’t feel a need to do all-out nudes for my galleries. My words reveal my nakedness. I bare much of my mind. I bare much of my soul. Must I bare my body completely too?

See, if I were to ever meet the naked man from across the street or learn the name and occupation of the naked woman in that apartment along my run, then the image in my mind would change and the impact would lessen. The mystery allows the memory to remain just as it came in…with a bit of awe, shock, and general appreciation for the human form. So maybe, if I too revealed all, whether it is mind, body, or soul, then I would lessen the impact I might have on you. I guess what I’m saying is that when I disappear for a few days or a few weeks or when I don’t allow that piece of fabric to fall from my breast or when I don’t share what I did on a Friday night, don’t be disappointed. Instead rejoice in the curiosity you may feel and appreciate the suspense you may experience. It’s only fair as I don’t know all there is to know about my readers and viewers either, and I don’t know that I’d want to. Some things are better left unsaid and hidden.

Then again, maybe I'm assuming too much, and you don't even notice when I'm gone or when I don't display a nipple. Or am I assuming too much there as well?

Jodi

I'm still here, and I feel an entry brewing inside, so expect something this weekend (oh lord...the pressure is on me now). By the way, I don't know why, but Blogger doesn't seem to like when I press Enter to create a new paragraph, so I'm doing the unthinkable and writing one paragraph for all points I'm discussing. Thank goodness this is a short post. All others will be written in Word first and then copied to the Blogger page. See, I'd start a new paragraph here. Sigh. Okay, there has been a reason for my disappearance and a damn good one at that. I placed fourth at the USA's in the Figure A division. I've been requalified for the NPC National shows for the next two years, which gives me a little breathing room to discover what path I truly want to take in this industry. Oh...forget it. I'm transferring this over to Word so I can become paragraph happy. Hold on a moment . . . . Jeez...I can't even cut and paste. Grrrrr!!! Okay, keep holding on (to what, I don't know); the rest is being done in Word.

See, I don’t want my journal entries to be solely about training; I’ve saved much of that for my members’ message board, and since I was so busy with preparing for the two national shows I did this year, most of what I had to discuss was in regards to training. So those posts were relegated to the message forum. And here I am discussing the very thing that I’d like to keep on that board, but you’ll just have to deal with it. Lol!

Let me bring you up to date on my plans for August and September. I have a photo shoot with Gene Carangal, who is flying both me and Jen Cook (IFBB fitness competitor) to South Padre Island to work in the dunes and along the beach for some amazing photos. We’ve been wanting to do this for some time now, and with the date falling directly between the end of USA’s and the advent of the FemSport/FVF show in Vancouver, I feel my physique should be spot on for photos…not too lean, not too thick either.

Then, Labor Day weekend will be spent in Vancouver. I’ll go into this with more detail if you’re interested, though I’d rather leave it for the training log in the members’ section. John Stutz is considering flying me to the Utah area for a second shoot with him in September, but that’s not finalized by any means. I’m also preparing Julia, my figure competitor client, for the Europa show here in Dallas in September, and Dan Ray will be coming down to work with both of us. I’m contemplating a trip to New York to work with Brian Moss and Paul B. Goode, but that’s not until October or November, so we won’t go into details about that yet. And since I’ve touched upon November, may as well get y’all completely aware and prepared: my birthday is November 8. I like diamonds, shoes, cars, and beaches, if anyone is interested in purchasing these items. Lol!!! Even I can’t keep a straight face with that statement. A $25 gift certificate to Barnes and Noble and a piece of carrot cake (or chocolate cake) will suffice. Or a simple e-card (a much more realistic possibility, I’m sure).

I will begin tutoring in a couple of weeks. I’m going to be working a student who is just entering high school, and it is a weekly job for the entire semester. I’m not quite sure how I’ll juggle everything, and I’m imagining that sleep will be the victim here, but there are just so many things I want to dabble in and yet only so many hours in the day. But remember, the shows end with Labor Day weekend and don’t start up again until next April at the very earliest. My training will be altered a bit, my diet changing, and my cardio not so regimented. I see glute and quad growth on the horizon. Poor jeans; they’ll have some stretching to do before too long.

Okay…what are y’all interested in having me write about? I’m not saying that I’ll fulfill requests, but you just never know with me. I would like to know what you want to know, so please post comments. And yes, I know. I still need to clarify the naked people magnetism comment I made. I’ll get to it this weekend. Pinky promise.

Jodi

I seem to be a magnet for naked people. I knew that would capture your attention. Something had to since I haven’t written in my blog for quite some time. I have been keeping the members’ area training log updated, and with boiled chicken being the main staple of my diet, my creativity levels are zapped by the time I finish writing those entries.

I know…shut up and talk about the naked people. Well, I think I’ll leave you hanging on that one for now. I just wanted to stop in and say that I’m still here, I’m still alive, and I’m still moving a million miles a minute. Just right now, my life revolves around eating, working, peeing (every 30 minutes it seems…those who compete will understand; two gallons of water a day have to go somewhere), training, running, wishing I were sleeping, so on and so forth. Virtually no boys, no chocolate (except on cheat meals), and no shopping. Very glamorous life, huh?

Anyway, I’m less than two weeks out from USA’s, so just be patient with me. I’ve got some stories to tell, some insight to relay, and some nonsense to type, so stick around. I’m still here. I hope you are too.