Good lord almighty! That shoot had to be the most difficult one I have done to date! Not in a bad way, mind you, but I definitely do not need to work out today, and I think I deserve a cheat meal for three full hours of, "tighter, tighter, hold it, suck in, tighter, get that muscle to come out, hold it, hold it, hold it, tighter, arch your back, arch some more, arch, arch, hold it, bend this way, bend that way, hold that weight, hold it, tighten, flex, flex harder, harder, harder, hold it!" Whew!

Okay, I must spill the beans. I can't hold it in any longer. I'm horrible with secrets anyway. I shot with Jerry Frederick of Ironman magazine today. Now, the pictures won't appear in Ironman until next year, probably right about the time I step on stage for Junior Nationals in June (magazines work on this really weird timetable...they take your picture and then wait around for decades to use it). But this is still exciting nonetheless. I'll be in the hardcore training section, and there were several "hotshots" taken to go into the gossip column in various issues in the coming months. I'm just beside myself! I shouldn't be this excited about it, but I am. See, I've wanted to be in that hardcore training column for years now. I've watched so many other competitors make it in--including my friend, Michelle Troll--that I had decided I would contact Jerry once I knew when I'd be hitting competition shape again next year. The fact of the matter is that he didn't care that I wasn't in contest shape. He liked the fullness and roundness I'm carrying now. (I can see striations in my shoulders, veins in my arms, a definite four-pack--six pack when flexed--and good, smooth skin for my legs. My back is always ripped as are rear delts, so I never worry there.) Anyway, he did this shoot and then will do a follow up one again next year when I am dieted down. He also suggested I contact Bill Dobbins when I'm at the Olympia, which I will definitely do again.

Anyway, it is a great opportunity, a terrific ego-boost, and just an overall nice feeling to know that I can be approached out of the blue at Gold's Gym (did I mention that Monica Brant trains there; unfortunately, I have not caught a glimpse of her, but I did catch an eyeful of Chris Cormier's arm workout just a week out from the Olympia. One word: impressive! But I've always been a fan of his physique.).

I also made a decision once again: I'm staying natural. I just don't see the worth or the point in taking anything that could possibly change my facial structure, create a different shape to my muscles, or make shaving the face a daily ritual. You just never know how much it takes to cross the line, and I won't risk it. The fact that I can garner attention from a major magazine photographer and hear about how my physique and the lines I carry are good for photos and the girly look I have is a very appreciated added benefit just reiterates my gut feeling. I'll still ask questions about various gear choices, for I want to understand what my friends, competitors I might be providing advice to, and other girls I step on stage with are doing and to be able to explain fully why I won't go that route, but I sincerely believe that I can carry this on my own, without the aid of anabolics. It just doesn't pay.

Okay, one decision down, thirteen million more to go. I better get busy...lol!! Actually, I think I need either a nap or a nice dinner at a Mexican or Italian restaurant. Who's buying? Lol! On second thought, is it possible to sleepeat (like sleepwalk?) or would that just defeat the purpose of the cheat meal and the enjoyment of it? Yeah, I think I'll take a quick nap and then head out to pig out. I don't want my face falling into the plate of spaghetti...lol!

Happy Friday!

Jodi :)

I'm about to step into the shower and get ready for an impromptu photo shoot this afternoon at Gold's Gym in Venice, California. I'm going to keep the said photographer and the purpose of the shoot anonymous for now until I finish with the session, but suffice it to say this is a wonderful opportunity for me.

I was actually in Gold's last night training back when I was approached by him, and I jumped at the chance to to work with him today. It will be a training shoot--shoulders, back, and hamstrings are on the table, and from what I've heard from some of my friends in the industry who have worked with him, it is a tough experience. He really makes you work! But I've done three-day shoots, shoots covered in chocolate, and shoots in the dunes, so this shouldn't be too difficult of an experience! I wonder if there's a way to mix chocolate and training? Or would that be a physical example of an oxymoron? Either way, no chocolate for me until after the Olympia expo is over and done with. Well, I might throw in a cheat meal tonight after this shoot, but we shall see.

Anyway, I was just overflowing with excitement about this and had to jot it down quickly before I get ready. I'll fill y'all in once I get back.

Jodi :)

By the way, you will notice that I changed up the format and look of the journal. I would love to hear feedback. I wanted to provide y'all with the opportunity to make direct comments t the entries right here, within the confines of the journal itself, rather than having to transfer over to the message board. I'm experimenting a little, as you can see. Hope you don't mind!

Jodi :)

The crevices of my mind have trapped my words and held them captive like the sticky, silken strands of a cobweb holding fast onto an unsuspecting fly. I can’t set them free. It is so frustrating.

The journal has been on empty for several days, and I hate letting it go that long, but in all honesty, I never want my journal to be a simple, “here is what I ate today and this is what I bought and these are the exercises I did…isn’t life grand?” That’s not satisfying to me, and I doubt that’s what you pop in continually to read about either.

My mind isn’t on empty though. Thoughts swarm about like bees buzzing about flowers; I just haven’t been able to lay the thoughts down on the table and create some sort of organization. But I guess if I never actually put the words into print, then they will remain in this dark hole and just evaporate into memories long past. I have a way of doing that, you know. I come up with these great poems or terrific paragraphs while doing cardio or while driving or while standing in line at the grocery store, and I think to myself, “Wow! Even I’m awestruck at that piece of magical prose.” And as quickly as the thought appears, it disappears. See, in order to give words life, they must actually appear in life…outside of the realm of the human mind. Otherwise, they remain part of an imaginary world, locked tightly in a treasure chest and never brought out to be admired and touched.

I’ve been going through a lot these past few months. My decision-making skills have followed a truly haphazard and bumpy road. One minute I’m on one path; the next I’ve decided to veer off onto another. And each one brings about indecisiveness, so much so that I’m paralyzed by the fear of choosing the wrong thing. The unknown is such a vast and frightening concept that sometimes I prefer to simply stare at it and back away, like one should do in a horror flick when approaching a pitch black forest scene.

I’d like to think that I have some purpose or meaning in this life. I think that is at the heart of all of this confusion. What is my ultimate destination? Am I making the right choices to reach that place? What if I choose incorrectly, and I screw up my own destiny? Is that even possible? Upon reading Ray Bradbury’s A Sound of Thunder, I remember asking students what they believe in: a) our fates are set and no matter what choices we make, we will still end up wherever we were meant to be, or b) we set the course of our actions and the paths placed before us are mere coincidences, allowing us to guide ourselves into whatever future we choose to experience?

Obviously, spirituality is an underlying factor when determining the answer to the above questions. I don’t want to delve too deeply into religion, but I was brought up without any, so maybe you can understand the background of my questions. This topic isn’t coming out of nowhere, guys. I picked up the latest issue of Time magazine and am in the midst of the cover article, questioning whether spirituality is created by a gene in our DNA or if it is a learned concept in an environment that offers so many questions and so few answers. To top it off, I purchased two other magazines—Discover and Scientific American—that have concurrently chosen to examine the beginnings of star formations. If you open your mind completely and examine not just the big bang theory but the actual process it takes to create a star, to build a dark hole, and to form not just one galaxy but several and you intermingle that with your own existence and really examine the beauty in this world, then you have to wonder…what does all of this mean?

I’m almost done reading The Secret Life of Bees. Tremendous novel! I have as many pages dog-eared in that book as I do in The Picture of Dorian Gray. I swear I’m going to create a thread or a journal entry that documents all of the quotes I find extremely significant to human existence. But I veer off course. The main character, Lily, states, “I was suspended, waiting, caught in a terrible crevice between living my life and not living it. I couldn’t g on biding time like there was no end of it….” That’s where I’m at right now. My life feels like it is on hold…like I’m at an intersection, sitting in my car, and waiting for the green light to turn…wait a minute…it’s green. See? I have all the signs and indications that say to go and yet my foot doesn’t really press down fully on the gas pedal. Lots of people honking, passing me by, and I sit there…waiting. But for what? For answers?

I know I’m not going to get them. Your future doesn’t walk up to you, smack you in the face, put a leash on you, and say this way…NOW! I kind of wish it did, for my fear of walking the wrong path looms so large that I am truly paralyzed. Why can’t I be like one of those stars and allow the compression of gas to build upon me until I explode and light up my life so brilliantly that I have no choice but to act?

What are my choices, you ask? I can move to a new city or remain where I am. I can delve into a new career or sit within one that is familiar like an old pair of jeans. I can keep my writings somewhat private and held within the confines of my website, or I can venture forth and expose myself fully to public and professional critique. I can take gear or not take gear. I can keep my mouth shut about the wrongdoings of the industry I’m in or I can open my mouth, speak my mind, and risk all. The list goes on and on. Do this? Or do that? So many choices…I feel like I’m getting one cheat meal for the month and it’s down to which ice cream to choose, and I’m sitting in front of the freezer case, eyeballing every single brand and every single flavor and thinking to myself, “But what if I don’t like that kind and end up wishing I had picked the other?” See? Frustrating. I never was one to make decisions. Vanilla or chocolate, Jodi? Ummm…how about a swirl of both, and could you add in some strawberry, even though I know that wasn’t offered at all?

I guess I want to have my cake and be able to eat it too. Who doesn’t? I want to know my future and yet I still want to walk the paths and experience life to the fullest extent. Somehow, someway, my foot better put the pedal to the metal and get through that intersection. I’ll be 32 in two and a half weeks (oh lord! That’s old…lol!!!). I’d like to wake up on November 8th as a 32-year old woman who is sure of the importance of her existence even if she doesn’t know where it’s taking her. But wouldn’t we all?

Maybe the writer’s block is gone. I feel like this entry rambled a bunch, and many of you may be in the dark of what I’m trying to say, but this helped me.

By the way…I ate scrambled egg whites, chopped peppers, and potato for breakfast and had chicken breast strips and fresh green beans. Next on the menu is protein pudding with oats before I head to the gym and annihilate my back. That’s for those who are wondering if I’m still working out…lol! I am! And I’m so pleased with the results I’ve been seeing. I told a couple of my friends that once I let go of all cares in terms of whether I receive a pro card, my body let go of a lot of unnecessary stress. And my instincts have been able to take over so that I can go from day to day, pick and choose what I want to train, for how long, to what intensity, and what I’m going to eat for the day. It’s fantastic! It’s the one area in my life where I really do have the steering wheel in hand, and I’m coasting with the windows down and the music blaring. I’m having a grand ole’ time with this off season! I hope the photo shoots at the Olympia next week display that area of confidence and carefree attitude in my face and physique. By the way, I bought this little number at Victoria’s Secret last night…oh my! Oh my! Ummm…can we say that I think I paid $60 for the missing fabric rather than for the fabric that is actually there?

On that note, I’m off to the gym. I have to make sure my butt is going to look good in that thing since there’s practically nothing hiding my butt at all!

Jodi

Okay, for some reason, Blogger likes to lock up and not let me hit the return key, which means I can either type one long paragraph or start again. You can guess what I chose to do. Lol! And I see it's happening again...lol!! Aaarggh! Okay, I'll tell you what. Let me get into the gym and do my leg workout and then come back to the site and see if it is working a bit better. Sigh. I get the creative juices going, and Blogger gets PMS and quits being cooperative.

Constant motion
turning
burning
whirring
moving about in circles
no beginning
no ending
It just is

I cannot imagine too many things that energize the ends of my nerves quite like unwrapping a new CD, placing it into the player, and is nothing more adrenaline pumping than the first sounds of music blaring from a CD you just unwrapped. Add the tiny little detail of the CD being Korn's greatest hits, and you can feel the adrenaline rushing through my body during my cardio session this morning.

I have a little bundle of joy on my lap as I type this. His wet tongue is lapping at my hands while my fingers fly across the keyboard, and his wet nose interrupts my flow every so often, but it is so comforting to have this little soul who loves to bite, pee, and whimper as often as he can. He is truly the most adorable creature I've had in my possession.

I did grow up with pets in the house. My mother had a German shephard since before I was born, and approximately eight or nine cats graced us with their frisky presence throughout my teenage years, but not one of those furry beings was ever considered mine. I never fed, walked, nor cleaned any one of them. I never had an opportunity of being involved in their general upbringing or discipline. I had brief moments of petting a fuzzy head and feeling a sandpapery tongue gliding over my fingertips, but not one of those animals had my name stamped across their foreheads.

This little goof sitting in my lap (well, he whimpered and bit and wriggled around enough, so I let him down to bite on something...good lord, get away from those wires!) is mine...one hundred percent mine. And the little fella is soooo attached to me. I didn't know how wonderful it could feel to have something so dependent upon and so loving towards you. By the way, it wasn't wires the little rascal was after. It was a nice, fresh place on the carpet in which to empty one's bladder that caught his attention. And I just took him out to go potty less than 40 minutes ago. Sigh.

I now fully understand what it's like to have a child. Lol! I've had to stop typing this paragraph three times now in order to get his jaws off of the sham of my bedspread. Aaargggh!!! Okay...he just got relegated to the bathroom. It's the time-out spot. Away from momma. I'm not sure who is getting punished more. Me or him. He's stuck in the bathroom away from me. And I'm stuck listening to his whimpers and howls. Reminds me of when I was teaching and I would serve the kids with detention. I had to stay after school in order for them to serve the detention, so in essence, I was punishing myself too. Ahh...the sacrifices we adults make to teach the younguns...lol!!!

Okay, enough puppy love. I've been back in the gym for a good four weeks now, and let me tell you, taking off a month from everything was the best thing I could have done. I know for a fact that I've put on more muscle in my upper body from when I left off a month ago, and yet I only weigh between 110 and 111 in the mornings when I haven't had a cheat meal the previous night. I stepped onto the Junior Nationals stage at 106. I went into that Brian Moss photo shoot at 108 to 109 pounds. So, I'm satisfied. And pleased. And ready to embark on a two-and-a-half week's worth of vigorous training for the Olympia and that little white skirt the CytoSport powers that be are insisting the girls wear. Right now, if there were muscle groups that were lagging, I'd have to say my quads and glutes. They're a little too soft for my taste right now (I won't speak for your tastes; we'll just leave it at that), so I'm changing the training a little and upping the length of time I'm doing cardio and moving into high reps for leg training. I'm still going to use heavy weights, but I'll move into the 18 to 25 rep realm rather than the 10 to 12 rep range that I had been using the past few weeks. Burn, baby, burn!!

Ahhh...peace and quiet. Either he's trying to fool me and make me think he's being a good boy so I can let him out and he can race his little legs over to my bed and start gnawing away into oblivion again or he's actually tired himself out and is taking a nap. By the way, puppies don't sleep for the entire night. That would be too easy. They take naps. Two or three hours naps and then wake up at some ungodly hour, like three or four in the morning. You know, right when you've fallen into that deep sleep stage that you so desperately need. And then the waterfalls start, and sometimes something worse, and you wake up to a bit of whimpering and shuffling of little paws and you just sense that there's been mischief at work in the night. And sure enough, a wet, soppy mess is awaiting your bare feet. Stop laughing. I don't find it funny! I think I'm going to come up a ton ten list of why puppies need to wear diapers. You think I'm kidding! I'm not!!!

Okay, back to training. I had several discussions with a few people I know about utilizing gear (i.e., steroids). I'm curious as to what you guys are thinking when you peruse the figure and fitness pictures not just in the pro ranks but also in the amateur ranks. I invite you to go back to the Junior Nationals of this year, the Figure Nationals, and the North Americans. Then switch into the GNC show that just took place. What do you see in the physiques and in the faces? All this does for me is ensure that I remain natural. I know I can achieve what I want out of my physique without stepping over any boundaries that I don't wish to cross. And ultimately, I've decided that the pro card is not the end all be all to my endeavors. It would be a nice feather in my cap, but it is not a necessity in order to attain utter happiness in this industry. What is a necessity is my respect for myself and my ability to move in and out of the mainstream light.

Just the other day, I was in Barnes and Noble purchasing a Frappuccino Light (I love both the mocha flavor and the caramel flavor) and a new novel that features a female character who seems to resemble the main character in Catcher in the Rye. When I read that in the description, I had to get it! I'll have to take a look at the name of the novel, but right now it's sitting on my dining room table, and after chasing the puppy's continually moving jaws all day, I'm just too darned tired to get up. Lol! Anyway, the girl behind the register exclaime, "You have such pretty arms. I've always wanted arms like that!" Now, I'm in off season, so my arms are a tad bit thicker and a bit smoother than they would be for the stage, so I was extremely flattered. It totally brightened my evening. But it also reminded me of exactly why I didn't want to venture along the path of gear usage. Those pretty arms might not be so pretty if they were to get too big or be paired up with a jaw that was too harsh. And so, I've decided once again to remain 100% Jodi.

Now, you might murmure to yourself, "I thought Jodi already made this decision." Well, haven't you ever revisited an option from time to time? Maybe it's moving to a new city, taking a new job, calling an old friend you've held a grudge against, etc., etc. Just because I made the choice at one point doesn't mean that the idea doesn't still sit in my mind and twirl around like a hamster's wheel in the middle of the night. It's the resulting actions that occur that really make the difference, not the number of times I spin the wheel and examine the paths.

On that note, I'm going to spin myself right over to my bed. I'm exhausted! And I have cardio to do in the morning (besides chasing the dog). :)

Jodi