"Even though eating honey is a very good thing to do, there is a moment just before you begin to eat it which is better." Yes, another Winnie-the-Poohism. I can't help myself really, but this rumbly in his tumbly bear actually makes some sense. After all, he's had lots of time to think about life while waiting to be set free after that belly of his gets him stuck in tight situations.

But I run across this quote and I wonder if that's a part of what happened after Junior Nationals. A competitor has this great big buildup towards a show. The diet, the training, the planning, the visualization, the posing, the preparations, the running around...everything keeps the mind focused on one central goal, and the night before the show, the nerves race and the heart beats rapidly and the palms become clammy. I don't know about anyone else, but I sit and stare off into space and think how my future will change due to one event, one time in space. All the clock has to do is keep ticking, and a new path will appear before me. It happened this year in Chicago. On Thursday night, I could actually picture the trophy in my hands and see myself moving forward to the Figure Nationals and earning a pro card. Sure, doubt lurked about like a burglar in the night, waiting to steal away the moment of confidence, but all in all, I felt I had prepared properly and looked the best I ever had (minus the conditioning for the 2002 Junior Nationals, of course), so I didn't see why I wouldn't make top five. But I felt this same way for the Emerald Cup earlier in the year. Those same nerves jumped about and wouldn't leave me be. And an excitement burrowed into me. I don't know which is better...thinking about what can happen or actually experiencing what can happen.

I think the really successful people are the ones who are able to move from the unknown into reality. They don't get stuck in that moment before. They accept that the anticipation before biting into a delicious cheesecake might actually be better than the bite itself, but they still take a taste. I'm doing that. I'm moving ahead and working hard to make a few dreams turn into reality. I'm taking nibbles here and there and seeing what happens in the future.

I've spent an entire childhood and the past decade or so of adult life anticipating what can be. It looks beautiful in my mind. But I haven't truly put in every effort to make these things possible. Well, remember how I said I needed a fitness friend, one who could motivate me and make me move forward? Amanda has helped me a ton! I'm contacting photographers I never before had the gumption to contact. I'm organizing disks and images and separating out which ones will go onto comp cards and working to create more exposure for myself. I'm moving outside of my shell of uncertainty and making contacts. I almost feel like I'm in Charlotte's Web and I have a whole world to explore. Amazing...I'm in my thirties and yet sometimes the world looks just like it does to a child.