Depression is the clumps of hair that clog my mind, keeping my thoughts from flowing freely, leaving only gunk in the wake of its arrival.

I don’t share everything in my journal. Not all of my pain, not all of my happiness appears here. I think of my site as a window, with my life being the house. And sometimes the curtains are wide open, the windows void of smudges, and the lights on even at night. But other times, the opaque curtains are drawn tightly, and no matter how much you squint and try to peer inside, nothing can be seen. These are the days that the journal is quiet.

The clumps this week built up and built up until nothing could get through, and it all culminated in a very difficult day yesterday. I hate the feeling. I can sit on the floor or on the corner of my bed and watch the minutes tick by; I almost feel like a person trapped in a car at a railroad, waiting for the caboose to appear to signal the end of the train. When the depression hits this hard, you just want the evening to come about so you can sleep and try, try again the next morning.

There are lots of things that trigger it, and I can’t decide if I’m lucky in the fact that I’m aware of when the drain is stopped up or if I’m unlucky because as they say, “ignorance is bliss.” I still went to the gym yesterday, but I fought back tears throughout the entire workout. I still did a bit of cardio, but my limbs felt like a rag doll’s—limp, lifeless. I suppose it all helped, for I awakened this morning feeling better and was able to write a piece for the news section that I’ve been harboring in my mind for three weeks now. But I’m still recovering, and I still wish the sun would take a break. The sky is just a bit too bright for me this weekend.

One of my friends suggested that maybe I’m having post contest depression, comparing it to post partum depression. I think that’s a small bit of it. She said that the contests are like your baby. You nourish them, carry them around in your mind, can never let go of the fact that they are looming in the future, always have a responsibility to them, and then suddenly they aren’t a part of you anymore, and there’s a bit of confusion as to how to dedicate your energy and time. She also made another interesting point: I haven’t decided on exactly what to do in the industry yet. I’m sitting on a fence and won’t be making a decision of whether to compete in bodybuilding or figure until early next year, and I’m someone who likes to pack the future into nice and neat boxes, labels on the outside for easy access in my mind (too bad I don’t do this with my actual files and thoughts, but my gifted and talented teachers in school always said that a cluttered mind is a sign of a creative one…lol!). I’ve always ended each competition season with a set plan of what I’ll be doing for the next competition season, so it’s as if I’m dangling in space, and I see the stars, but I’m not sure of which one I will travel to and don’t know of exactly how I will get to it.

And technically, I’m not in off season yet. I’ve made commitments to do photo shoots, so I have to handle my nutrition accordingly. But the problem lies in the fact that my mind is ready for off season. And quite frankly, so is my body. But my will power and desire to present myself well for photographers and for you guys keeps me from giving in to cravings. And the cravings are baaaad! Really bad!

I had a small cheat meal on Friday and had no guilty feelings. One huge burrito stuffed with steak, cheese, rice, guacamole, and sour cream really hit the spot. And a small scoop of peanut butter ice cream with yummy Butterfinger crumbles mixed in took care of my sweet tooth. I definitely was not as stuffed as the burrito, but I was content. There’s often a feeling of needing to eat everything in the world in order to compensate for the months upon months of not getting any choices, but that’s not healthy, and I’ve worked hard to alter that feeling. I’ve changed portion sizes with cheat meals and have begun to understand that the ice cream will still be in the stores two weeks from now, so no, I do not need to go home with every single Ben and Jerry’s flavor tonight. But I digress. I thought the cheat meal would take care of the cravings, and it was a planned one, for I wanted to see how upping my carbs and fat after a carb depletion would work with my body and then repeat the process for Jon’s shoot.

But for some reason, my mind is being greedy, and one burrito and one scrumptious serving of ice cream did not satiate it, and it’s screaming and begging for more. I don’t even know what it wants. I walked into Super Walmart (I’m not ashamed…I love that store!) to purchase some body wash (I had maybe two squirts left) and a few other items, and I managed to not give in to the cravings and buy any food. I wouldn’t have even known what to buy. Chocolate? No. Graham crackers? No. Ice cream? No. Bananas? No. Cheese? No. Chips? Hmmmm. Okay, no. Nothing really sounded good. I think it was just the act of actually choosing an item, purchasing it, ripping open the bag or container, and taking bite after bite. That freedom to do those very actions is snatched away from you as soon as you decide to do a competition. Everything is so uniformed, and you begin to equate anything that travels within the vicinity of the mouth as a calorie, and you begin to examine whether it will help or hinder your ability to do well for the set date. Sometimes, you just want to shut your mind off and eat with vigor. And that switch is stuck to on in my mind, and that is what I believe sometimes triggers the depression. I sometimes detest the fact that I am so aware of how everything reacts with the body and every decision is evaluated and re-evaluated so that soon everything enters the scrutiny of the microscope and some things in life just aren’t fun.

See, off season is meant to provide the mind and body with a much needed break. But I’m hovering outside of competition prep and outside of off season, and I’m dying for a bit of freedom but have not provided myself with the go ahead to run, jump, and play. Does that make sense?

I really should open the window a little wider as I prepare for shows. I know I’ll be doing that for the off season. I want you to be able to witness the changes within the mind and body. As competitors, we choose to put on weight in order to reach a future goal. That, in and of itself, is difficult. I don’t fluctuate more than two dress sizes (I don’t think I could handle it if I were to), but it still weighs heavy on the mind when you look in the mirror and see a different body than the one that appeared on stage and when the people around you make comments without putting true thought behind them (wow…you’ve gained some weight; you’re in off season aren’t you; are you not doing a show anytime soon; you’re softer than I remembered; I like the fuller look on you; etc.). And here the mind has to create boxes once again: I realize why I’m doing this, and I’m okay with that decision, and the feelings I have currently about my stomach or butt or thighs are not as important as the goals I have set for the future.

Go ahead and say it…it’s just a body. But then look in the mirror and think about your daily activities, your dreams, desires, goals. Examine what makes you…you. And then think about whether your body is “just a body.” They say to not judge a book by its cover, but part of the wonderful act of purchasing a book and reading it is enjoying the feel of the cover and the pages, the smell of it, the sounds it makes when you open it for the first time, the sight of the words, how the paragraphs are broken up, how the chapters are arranged, and don’t we always love to see what the author looks like? So while my body does not completely capture my essence, it does shed some light on my personality, my mind, my emotions. It’s not just a body to me. It is me. I just have to learn to love it all 365 days of the year…not just the week before a show. And that, my friends, is what this current off season will be about. Hold on tight...the adventure has officially begun.

Jodi