"This I know of life's difficult times: there is always a time for them to begin and a time for them to end . . . ." House of Sand and Fog, Andre Dubus III

Now, I'm sure Mr. Dubus...the third...did not mean for someone to wrench this quote from his novel, take it out of context, and slap into her journal to twist and turn and use for her own purpose. And I'm sure he was not thinking of a torture-laden cardio workout when he wrote this paragraph in his bestselling novel. But I began this book last night (I had just ten pages left in Drowning Ruth and did not want to be stuck without something to divert my attention for the last 30 minutes of one-on-one time with the lovely elliptical machine, so I trotted down to the fitness center with two books in hand and thus looking like quite the nerd) and found this quote on page 48 when I picked up the book again while panting and wheezing on my good ol' friend, the elliptical. We're getting to know each other quite well as of late, you know.

With fingertips dripping in sweat, I folded the corner down and lifted the paper back up to leave a crease to remind me of the quote's location. I knew I wanted to use it at some point in the future. For when I struggle through cardio, I know there is a beginning and an ending, and isn't that true of everything? Don't we, as humans, as living beings travel in terms of cycles? Day and night; summer and winter; the drive to work and the drive home; birth and death; elation and devastation. It's never just a steady road, free of potholes, free of hills, free of valleys, free of scenery. And why would we want it to be? Would I be so satisfied at the end of a cardio session if I never knew of the tough start and the staggering middle?

I guess I'm thinking of cycles because the end of preparing for the Junior USA's is approaching quite quickly. And yet it's not the end. It's the beginning to a series of shows I'm doing this year. And the dieting, the cardio, the mood swings, the fear, the anxiety, the bouts of confidence peeking through like ribbons of light at the end of a sunset will all begin again and culminate in one prejudging session on an early Saturday morning where I stand shoulder to shoulder with girls who have put their bodies through hell (well, most have; there are a few who choose not to prepare as adequately as they should). Is it worth it?

I remember asking myself this during the off season when I hit a low point. I hit a low point again this past week...one of the reasons I've been off of the boards and away from the journal. I had awful water retention with my period, awful cramps, and an awful attitude. Something inside snapped, and I lost the confidence that I had been carrying on my shoulders like a child whose father is giving her a piggy-back ride. I was beaming from ear to ear when I would glance at my reflection. I knew I had what it would take to turn pro this year. And then my house of cards tumbled when water began seeping into my body, rushing in with the force of a flood as a result of a downpour. All reason and logic left my head and worries crept in steadily until the repercussions of a period were not the main guilty party in the unsightly water weight that sat proudly on my thighs, my butt, my abdomen. I tried to leak it out through my eyes, but crying did nothing but make it worse. I tried to ignore it, wrestle it to sleep, and lose myself in dreams. I managed to forget the cramps, but the water remained.

It is disappearing today. Thankfully, but I had a hard lesson to learn from all of this. And wishing my period away is not it. Instead, I've learned to not jump to conclusions and to try to take everything in stride. It will work itself out. I think that's what the quote means. A problem came, it tried to conquer, but I managed to put an end to it once I realized that an end was plausible. I have a horrible time learning that lesson. I see problems as huge monsters, ready to eat me up inside, claw me to death until I'm left in tatters. I don't see the end of the problem, only the beginning. This time, I waded through to the end and am working on fixing a few things in my diet and my training to make everything better.

Here's a list of what I changed:

Change: EvoPro protein shakes to Myoplex protein shakes
Reason: I'm lactose intolerant, and the EvoPro uses a milk protein that might be creating digestive problems and causing me not only to hold excess water but also to not efficiently utilize the protein. I wasn't having a problem with the Myoplex shakes, so I'm returning to them like I had done before I traveled to the Arnold. Don't get me wrong, I love the EvoPro and would use it in the off season, along with the Muscle Milk (the stuff tastes better than any other shake I've had), but in these last few weeks, I can't take any chances. I also dropped a few extra shakes that were thrown in throughout the week. There's no need, and I'm going to have to start weaning off of them until they are completely null and void from the diet a week out from the show. They contain too much sodium and too many elements that create water retention. Mike Davies always held them in right into the day of the show, and I never agreed with this philosophy and believe my water retention showed on the day of the shows last year and exacerbated the already evident symmetry problems.

Change: Shorter amounts of cardio to longer amounts and more days of two-sessions
Reason: I have a bit of stubborn fat on my quads and the leg muscles are still a bit too bulky. This is my most difficult area to lean out and streamline. I've hated my legs since the beginning of my existence. Truly despised them. I know y'all tend to think they look fine, but I have always seen them as a nemesis to my efforts of creating a balanced physique. They're just too thick!

Change: Weight training for legs substituted with sprints and walking lunges without weight
Reason: Same as before, legs are being stubborn, so I have to punish them into submission.

Change: Stick to the amounts of protein listed on the diet
Reason: I was eyeballing my chicken, fish, steak and sometimes eating seven, eight ounces of meat. I'm backing it down to five to six, which is where it was originally supposed to be. I have to tell myself, who cares if I'm hungry. The judges sure don't!

Change: Eat more asparagus
Reason: It is great at getting rid of the excess water. Don't believe me? Eat about four to seven thick spears and watch how quickly you run to the bathroom! And hold your nose. Asparagus in and asparagus out smell the same (ewwwwww! Yes, I know...I just grossed everyone out! Lol!).

My body is back to where it was before my period began, but I was given quite a scare. I guess I needed it or I might have awakened on the morning of April 17th and been completely powerless and forced to deal with the consequences in front of a roomful of spectators and camera clicks. I do feel better now and the confidence is making its way back into the recesses of my mind.

By the way, I have no goals for this show except one: to be better than I was in New York last year...and that will be determined by my physique, not my placing, for what power or control do I have over seven judges who are making a very subjective decision? I keep reminding myself of this every time I look in the mirror. I think that's the hardest thing about this sport. You can do all of your homework and still not place well. I refuse to grapple with that thought for too long. I just want to see the shine of a trophy being placed in my hands and know that another stage is awaiting the tough clicks of my heels.

Jodi