Thoughts have moved through my mind like water rushing along a muddy ditch during spring showers. This has been one off season that I haven't been focused, nor motivated, like I have been in the past, and it's bothered me quite a bit.

I've had to ask myself whether I truly want this pro card. I've said I want it, but deep down inside, at the end of the day, when all is said and done, is it there, in my heart, for me to want to win? To most people, this would seem like a waste of time to think about. After all, an outsider would say, you spend how much money on this sport, and what do you get for it? Ditch it, have a few drinks with friends, and live your life finally! Stop keeping so many enjoyable activities just out of arm's reach.

But would I be happy with that? I know I wouldn't. I do want that pro card. It's not because I've worked so long, I shouldn't give up now. Sure, that's a part of it. But deep down inside, it's in my blood. I want to succeed. I want to see my efforts come to fruition, and that would be in the form of being able to stand on stage with great competitors like Dina al Sabah, Monica Brant, and a multitude of others who represent the dedication, grace, class, and motivation that I aspire to achieve.

I'm on a rest week. No weights, no sprints, no cardio, no nothing! Just me, a strict diet, plenty of sleep, lots of mental rest, and an ability to recuperate and get back on track. Friday marks my day when I'll be back in the gym and busting butt again.

I had to do a few visualizations tonight and see myself succeeding. I then had to make a list of pros and cons of my physique and my appearance on stage. It's a brutally honest one, and I'll share a few cons: shoulders are too small and narrow and need to be much fuller, denser; lower abs leave a lot to be desire and need to come in much leaner and more noticeable next year; quads are still too bulky and need better shape; back needs a bit more widening to make my waist look tinier; my cute look needs to transfer more into an elegant look and suit design, hairstyle change, and use of make up can contribute to that. There were several other things on the list, but you get the jist of it.

So many of you have been so great and telling me so many positive things, but I have to take a step back from those compliments and look at me like a judge would...in a scrutinizing manner. I'm up there with 40 or 50 girls who have also dieted down, pounded out the reps in the gym, and struggled through the strenuous sessions of cardio. What will make me stand out? What will make me different and good enough to earn the placing that will win a pro card?

I'll be spending this rest week devising a plan for an attitude change. I've been down on myself and down on my abilities to do well. That has to change. Without confidence, I will never succeed.

And without a continuation in this sport, I won't grow as a person. I put in the general section of the board (if you haven't gotten onto the board, I highly suggest doing so...some great discussions are flourishing there) a quote about finding yourself and creating yourself. Take a look. Let me know what you think. And then correlate with your life. Are you creating yourself? Or are you just going with the flow and letting the current of water push you along?

Just some deep thoughts for the start of the week.

Jodi