This is going to be really, really short, and then I'll elaborate either Friday or Saturday.

I attended the WWE Survivor Series held in Dallas this past Sunday. It was on pay-per-view, and I believe Chad (Stickman) mentioned he had watched it. So, I'll be discussing that in full detail in the next journal entry. Lots and lots to tell. Of course, I'm still deaf from the booming and explosive fireworks that announced various athletes. I will say this presently, though. I can see why some people will never catch on to the fitness and bodybuilding industry. I feel so plain Jane and vanilla-ish just standing on a stage and asking to be watched as I quarter turn my way into oblivion while the WWE guys thrash their opponents and throw them around as if they were ragdolls, and to top it all off, they have soap-opera like storylines. I did wonder consistently throughout the event (a bloody one, in fact; though, whether it was real blood, paint, or ketchup, I have no idea) about what could be done to liven up the fitness/figure/bodybuilding shows. That's the $64 million dollar question, now isn't it?

Okay, enough about that. The new job is going well. I'm beginning to get into the groove of things, but there is still so much to learn. My boss says I'm doing a terrific job at it, though, so I'm pleased with that aspect.

As far as workouts go, the actual workouts have been stupendous. The muscle group I work in the gym is sore for the 24 to 48 hours after I put it through a beating with the weights, but I'm still struggling mentally with the motivational aspect. I'll be discussing this a bit more when I do another journal entry, and I'll relay a few bits of advice I've received that have helped tremendously as well as some of the thoughts, feelings, and fears I have that I think are contributing to this. I do believe that the foremost fear is the one of failure. I do desperately want to earn my pro card, and I sometimes worry that I'm not good enough. Well, that negative attitude turns me on myself and is counterproductive to my end goal. I have to change to that and think about me standing on stage with a successful result rather than always preparing myself for what might not occur and how I'll deal with it. This is a hard habit to break, though. I've done it all my life. I'm always prepared for the worse-case scenarios, even though most of them will never occur. It's a lot of energy spent and wasted when I could have been pouring my efforts into preparing for my successful attainment of my goals rather than my consolement of not reaching them.

See, competing is much more than just standing on stage in a bikini and getting a trophy that cost the NPC maybe seven or eight bucks (so, where does the rest of my $60 registration fee go?). It's more than photo shoots in lingerie or cute jeans; it's more than flexing biceps. It's learning about oneself and determining how willing you are to stretch your own boundaries, to push yourself away from your ego, to allow your mind and wishes to roam farther than the vast space of the galaxy. I have grown so much in the past few years, and I know I have a great distance yet to travel, so I won't be giving up. I won't be backing down. I won't quit.